


Out of Time

by essexdogs



Category: Blur, British Singers RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-01-19 15:34:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 27,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12413016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/essexdogs/pseuds/essexdogs
Summary: I don't want to hurt you, no not ever.Damon and Graham, throughout the years.





	1. 1985

 

 _Please excuse my tendency to colour everything I tell you_  
_You don’t understand, it takes me wherever I want to go_  
_This is surely what I need, but I don’t always think that way_  
_And in the end, I can’t help feeling I must sober into this_

 

It started off like any other Wednesday. Damon met his best friend by the bike racks, drifting into school side by side. Barely seeing each other until lunch, their conversations filled with events of the night before or bands they were dying to tell each other about. It was after the last bell for the day that they saw one another again; meeting by the bike racks once more like it was a ritual. They would ride their bicycles until they were breathless, eventually stopping by Graham’s house. His mom always stocked up on the best snacks.

But today was different.

They had been going over notes for a good amount of an hour, but Damon had become restless.

“G, come on. My eyes are going to cross if I keep reading.”

They had an exam on Friday, and Graham wasn’t about to let Damon make him fail another one. He really couldn’t say no to those eyes, though.

“Ok, we can take a break. A small one. After dinner we have to jump back in.” He tried his hardest to sound strict.

A smile sprung onto Damon’s lips, a usual expression once he got his way.

“Have any plans for the weekend?” Graham asked as he closed his notebook and rested his back on the headboard of his bed.

“I’m actually going to the cinema. With a girl. I have a date.” Damon tried his hardest not to sound excited.

Graham wasn’t shocked. He had heard the girls around school gushing about Damon as he walked past as if no one else could hear them swoon. He was more surprised by the fact that Damon wasn’t booked every weekend.

“Have you ever kissed a girl?” The question created a knot inside of Graham’s stomach, he’ll never get used to Damon’s usual abruptness

Damon stared at Graham until he received a reply, making Graham’s face turn into a beautiful shade of crimson.

“Why are you even asking this, Dames. You already know the answer.” Graham’s voice sounded defeated.

“Well when are you! The clock is ticking mate. I bet there are loads of girls who are just waiting for you to ask them out. If you ever grow a pair..” The last part was slightly muffled.

Graham couldn’t help but push at Damon’s shoulder, an embarrassed laugh escaping his lips.

His red face had turned into a rosy blush, his eyes not meeting his friend’s. “I don’t even know how.” He said quietly.

“I could teach you.” Damon said all too quickly.

Graham’s eyes shot up, shocked by what he just heard. His brain turned into a jumbled mess. That’s normal right? He’s definitely heard of mates helping each other out like that. He’s seen it in movies. He’s seen it in movies yeah? Movies don’t depict real life. This isn’t normal. But it’s Damon, Damon isn’t normal. He’s Damon.

“You’d do that?” He couldn’t bring himself to say anything else.

“I mean, yeah. I’ve kissed loads of girls. I know what they like. I could help you not eat a bird’s face off.”

Graham didn’t know how he was able to be so nonchalant with all of this. His thoughts were still going a mile a minute, a nod being the only thing he was able to do.

“Well, for one thing, you can’t act like this when you’re with her. She’ll think you’re a freak.” Damon had already started to critique. He positioned himself so that he was facing Graham now, and took in a breath. “I’ll be you, and you’ll be the girl, yeah? Just focus on what I’m doing.”

Graham nodded again.

At that Damon placed a hand on Graham’s cheek, his other hand resting on his shoulder. He slowly leaned in, agonizingly so.

At last their lips touched, but only for a slight second. “Tease them,” Damon said under his breath, his face millimeters away.

He pressed his lips to Graham’s once more, longer this time.

“Then go in for the kill.”

Damon almost knocked Graham over by the force of his kiss. It was almost needy, a movement that could only be described as hunger. Graham tried his hardest in following Damon’s movements, but it was impossible. He was focusing on the feeling of his lips, how they were wet and plush. He could easily mistake them for a girl’s. The thing was, he didn’t want to.

Damon pushed at Graham’s lips, signaling for him to open them. Graham found it easy to follow Damon’s moves, the anxiety he was feeling earlier had melted away. Damon’s hands had found their way to the back of Graham’s neck, his arms lazily resting on his shoulders. With the inch of confidence, Graham had, he snacked a hand through Damon’s hair, gripping it in the back.

Damon broke away for a moment. “Good.” He said with an impressed tone. “..Do you want to continue?”

Another nod.

Their kisses were opened mouth now, with Damon’s tongue finding its way to Graham’s. Their lips smacked in a sloppy mess, as though they wished they could get even closer together. A muffled groan came from Graham. Damon smirked against his lips.

Damon pressed himself against Graham so that he was now practically on top of him. The more they kissed, the more heated things became. Graham wanted to touch every part of Damon, every inch of skin and freckle. He settled for the small of his back and a hand running through his dirty blonde hair. Damon’s hands were everywhere, running up and down Graham’s chest, through his hair, across his face. As if he wanted to remember every detail of this exact moment.

Graham would have been petrified by his swollen cock if he hadn’t felt Damon’s against his stomach. It made Graham kiss him harder, knowing that this had stopped being a lesson. This was about every moment their eyes would wander, when a thought turned into something that best friends shouldn’t be thinking about doing with their best friends.

Damon was the first to break away. He looked across Graham’s face, with an expression that could only be described as lust. His mouth hung open as if he was trying to say everything he ever wanted to say to Graham but could only producing nothing. Graham prompted himself onto his elbows, trying to reach for Damon’s mouth again. Damon didn’t let him, pulling back teasingly. Within a beat, he was then assaulting Graham’s neck with kisses and bites. Without a second thought Graham rolled his hips, friction forming between the two boy’s pants. Damon followed suit, the two pushing up against each other. Damon’s face was pushed between Graham’s neck and the mattress below them, Graham could feel his hot breath hitching every time his pelvis reached his best friend’s.

It was Graham who came first, a sticky mess forming underneath his jeans. Damon followed quickly after, collapsing against Graham’s chest. He rolled over, not to suffocate Graham as he was breathing heavily. They laid there in silence, the two of them both in shock and wonder. They had no way in trying to comprehend this. It was until they heard Graham’s mother call for them that they were able to move.

No words were exchanged between them, and Damon left before dinner was even finished. He didn’t even say goodbye.

They never spoke about this again.


	2. 1989

 

 _Thick as thieves us, we'd stick together for all time_  
_And we meant it but it turns out just for a while_  
_We stole the friendship that bound us together_

 

Graham had been reading all evening. Books he had read a hundred times, but still felt new every time he opened them. Setting Sons by The Jam was softly playing from his record player until the needle reached the end with only fuzz echoing throughout the room. He was too lazy to change it.

It was half-past 10 when his apartment door swung open, a disheveled Damon rushing through the frame.

“I have the best news ever. All our hard work has paid off. We’re going places Graham! Next thing you know we’re going to be on the cover of every magazine and on top of every chart and—“

“Well get on with it!” Graham had to cut him off.

“I’ve got us a gig!” Damon’s smile was ear to ear and Graham was worried it was going to permanently stay like that.

But Graham couldn’t help but smile too; the four of them had been waiting for this moment ever since they got together for the first time. It was a sort of christening for them, were they even a band if they’ve never played a live show?

He got out of his chair excitedly and moved across the room so he was closer to Damon. “Do the others know yet?” He asked.

“Not yet, I’ve only found out about it ten minutes ago. I ran to yours.” Damon mused. He gripped at Graham’s forearms. “I really feel like this is special. I have faith.”

Graham looked at where Damon’s hands were then back to his face. Warmth radiated off of where Damon was touching him, as though it was ready to burn him. This happens every time; a small bump, an arm around his neck. And the feeling won’t go away after he’s far away from Graham. A sensation that stays with him for much longer than he wants it to.

“Me too.”

 

…

 

The air had become warm over the past couple of weeks, this time of year only made Damon smile, as it made him think of the long summer nights he used to share with Graham when they were younger. They would sneak out after Damon’s parents were fast asleep and ride their bikes out into the country to drink wine and look at the stars. They would talk about whatever was on their minds, or simply nothing at all. It was a memory that comforted Damon, especially on nights like these.

The four of them were behind the venue, a railway museum, chain-smoking cigarettes until the show started. They had been standing around in silence for a good ten minutes until Damon spoke.

“Is this how it’s gonna be before every concert, huh?”

Alex rolled his eyes.”Of course it’s not. We haven’t actually performed all together yet. You can’t blame us for being a bit nervous.”

“Just means you need to drink more.” Damon retorted, handing Alex a flask from the inside pocket of his jacket.

Alex gave him a stern look but took the flask anyway, taking a hefty gulp.

“But at twenty-three I was the sort of young man who responds to all public injury of his person, short of a fractured skull, by giving out a hollow, subnormal-sounding laugh.” It was one of the first things Graham had said all night.

They all stared at him, dumbfounded.

It was until Damon’s mouth twisted into a smirk. “Seymour: An Introduction. JD Salinger” Graham gave him a nod.

“That’s the mood for the night, lads.” With Damon’s final statement, they departed into the venue.

There was no need for laughter, the crowd received them better than any of them would ever imagine. They were a gnarly bunch, kicking over amps and Graham had the instinct to smash his guitar onto the floor, cracking it into an array of split ends. He couldn't care less, the crowd went absolutely crazy for it. 

The hours they spent in the studio while avoiding every other responsibility had paid off. Once they were done with their set the audience just wanted more. Reluctantly they had to leave the stage, they had already played every song they had written. 

They were all buzzing once they reached their makeshift dressing room. "That was completely mad!" Dave exclaimed. 

Damon had the same widespread smile he had on the day he had told Graham about the gig. They all did, and couldn't help it. They had been in short-lived bands before but had never been given this much praise. 

Once they had packed their things they all agreed to meet at the pub down the road to muse about the night and upcoming projects, all while getting pissed drunk. 

 

The bar was almost empty, not to anyone's surprise. It was nearly one in the morning with them on the outskirts of Colchester. The exterior had looked so rundown that they would have questioned if it was still a running business if not for the open sign hanging from one of the windows. 

They all ordered pints of lager, the lifespan of the drinks not being long. They were finished before they were even done with talking about how in the hell they were going to replace Graham's guitar. Dave was stuck with the bar run after a brutal game of rock paper scissors. 

"Have we got any more gigs lined up, Dames?" Alex asked. 

Damon shook his head with a heavy sigh. "I'm working on it. I think we should write a few more songs before we plan for another one. The crowd wanted more." 

"Aw, come on. They loved it! Makes them want us to see us again." 

"Yeah, exactly, with new material." Damon took a sip of his second drink, unphased by Alex's pestering.

"I think Damon is right. At least a couple more." Graham piped in. 

Alex made a shooing motion with his hands. 

"But we can't wait too long. Don't want them to forget about us." Graham was trying his hardest to be the median between Damon and Alex. He knew how they got if no one stepped in. 

They all agreed on the compromise. Alex and Dave began to discuss the girls in the crowd that they found fit, with Damon having a look of distaste. He had known almost everyone in that crowd and didn't want to imagine one of them trying something fast. 

By the time the bartender had shouted out last call, they were all at least nine beers deep. Staggering out of the bar side by side, they said their goodbyes and parted ways, but not before they all promised to meet at the studio Monday morning, giving them enough time to recover from this weekend's activities.

Before Graham could make it two steps to the closest bus stop Damon pulled him back by his bicep. He almost made him turn a full three-sixty, Damon using his free hand to hold him steady. He pulled him towards the side of the building, out of sight of any of the dwindling drunkards. 

Damon had gotten too close to Graham, he could feel his hot breath rhythmically blowing on his cheeks. Damon stood in front of him with his eyes closed, pressing his forehead onto Graham's. His hand was still placed on his bicep as if to not let Graham leave him. 

Before Graham could form a rational thought, Damon's lips were on his in a drunken haze. They were slow kisses, Damon not even knowing what he was expected of doing. 

He had been wanting kiss Graham all night, ever since they left the stage. The high he had gotten after the show made him feel as though he was able to do anything, even something that was so wrong and treacherous.

And Graham wanted it, he really did. It was something he thought about often, ditching every one of his morals and pinning Damon with kisses. But even in his intoxicated state, he knew it was inappropriate.  

He broke away and pushed out of Damon's grip. He stared at him while he was unable to form a coherent sentence. He could only register so many things at once, and this wasn't one of them. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't—" 

"No, you shouldn't." But he didn't look at Damon with disgust, more of a bitter sadness. 

 

...

 

They got approached for a record deal on a bitterly cold day when the sun hid behind the clouds and the wind bit at your face. They had gotten quite the traction ever since their first gig, a steady group of fans following them to almost every show. 

They were even written about, an article calling them 'imaginative' and 'astonishingly tight'. Damon was the only one that was resentful that the reporter had called them Feymour. 

It didn't matter though, since the ones signing them wanted to change their name completely. They also needed Dave to stop wearing his pyjama pants, which the other three had been bothering him about for months. Graham even offered to buy him a new pair of jeans. 

They went through a number of names, and by the end of it, it was becoming a drag. 

"How about Whirlpool? Like those swirls of water the ocean creates." Alex suggested. He passed the joint to Graham that had been going around the four of them, something they all agreed would help get creative juices flowing. 

Isn't that a brand that sells washing machines and the sort? I can't be grouped together with a damn refrigerator." Damon said. He had a point.

"I still like the name The Government. It's got a nice ring to it." Dave hadn't let that one go.

"I don't like how it sounds like we're pro-establishment. That's not an image I want to have for the band." Damon argued once again. It had played out that he wasn't having it for any of the names they were suggesting, even if he kinda sorta liked them. The name needed to represent them in the best possible way.

Graham took a big puff of the skinny rolled up paper, exhaling in smoky circles. He tried to help think of something smart and cool in the beginning, but Damon's consistent no's had gotten the best of him. He had started to tune the rest of them out, almost if their voices were a fuzzy noise. 

That's when he thought of something. "How does Blur sound?" 

They soaked it in for a moment, Damon propping himself up from his place on the floor. "That's a nice one." 

"Does that mean we can stop talking about this now?" Alex muttered. 

It was a beautiful beginning, four friends with little responsibilities and very big dreams starting something that none of them could fathom the outcome of all the possibilities they were going to have. Blur had become the beginning of the end.


	3. 1992

 

 _Lead me into your darkness_  
_When this world is trying it's hardest_  
_To leave me unimpressed_  
_Just one caress_  
_From you and I'm blessed_

 

They were utterly miserable.

They had a shit record, a shit record company, and are on the shittiest tour. 

It was perfect in the beginning. Nearly perfect. They had gotten most of their success from their first few singles, the public becoming head over heels for them. They basked in this, wanting nothing more for people to enjoy their music; and the limelight didn't hurt either.

It was after their album was released that they realized this was exactly what they didn't want. They were being forced into creating music that none of them would be caught dead listening to. And it's not like they got anything out of it, being sixty thousand pounds in debt leaves you quite miserable.

That's how they found themselves looking upon miles of wheat fields in the middle of their forty-four date tour in America. Americans couldn't give two shits about them, and they felt the same. 

The four of them had started to keep to themselves; otherwise, they would most likely start to bicker, leading to a shouting match which ends with a thrown punch or two. It wasn't surprising if one of them woke up with a black eye.

The alcohol probably didn't help. Damon didn't remember the last time he was completely sober. It was always a shot in the dark when he drank, he never knew if it was going to help or just make things worse. Some days he'll be in the best possible mood that he could be in a situation like this, if not, he'd be in such a bad state no one would even try to talk to him, knowing the consequences. 

Graham tried his best to keep positive. They were on tour for god's sake, in a country that none of them have visited before. It was hard though when the crowd was more invested in each other rather than them. It made him extremely homesick, only wanting to be surrounded by people who actually gave a damn. 

It was another one of those nights, when the only thing appetizing was a bottle of wine. The show had ended on a sour note, a few people in the audience actually started to boo. 

"We'll have a better show tomorrow!"

"Shut the hell up, Dave." Alex said in a defeated tone as they boarded their tour bus. 

"Where are we off to now?" Graham asked. 

"Who the fuck cares." Alex was not in a good mood. 

"Los Angeles." Damon replied. They had been in California for the past week and to know tomorrow's show will be the last stop in the less than welcoming state lifted some weight from their shoulders. 

It had been decided that they would drive to their destination that night, rather than having to wake up early the next day. Graham didn't mind, it meant he'd either be getting drunk on a tour bus or in a hotel. By then, the two had become interchangeable. 

He made his way towards the room in the back of the bus with a bottle of wine in each hand. He excepted to be alone, but before he could sit down Damon had found himself in the same room. 

"G, I've written a few songs. Mind hearing them?" 

"Can I at least drink one of these first?" He asked, lifting one of his hands up. 

Damon cracked a smile and nodded his head. "Can I help?"

Graham took a moment to think, and with a sigh, he handed the other bottle to Damon. 

In no time, the two of them had become pretty tipsy. 

"Don't we have anything stronger?" Damon asked, taking a hefty gulp of the red wine.

"We're in America Dames! It'd be sacrilegious if we didn't have whiskey." He got up from his place on the couch and moved across the tiny room as best as he could. In the corner, there was a tiny fridge beneath a too bulky television. He grabbed the bottle on the top shelf, with the black label and a man's name on it. 

He held it up to Damon to see, giving him a bright smile. 

"It's no go for show! Hand it over." Damon cupped his hands, indicating the other to throw it. 

Graham threw the bottle across the room, perhaps too hard. Fortunately, it made it to Damon's palms, but not before making his back hit the weak cushioning of the couch.

That made Graham throw his head back in laughter, the thought of a whiskey bottle being stronger than Damon made him into a laughing mess.

"I definitely need to get on your level." Damon mumbled. He unscrewed the cap and with a swift motion had the bottle to his lips, sipping at the brown liquid. His face screwed up in disgust after his pull but went in for a second one anyway.

Graham retrieved his spot next to Damon, lazily sitting back down. "Aren't you going to share?" 

Damon begrudgingly handed the bottle over the Graham, who in turn took a large gulp of the drink. His head began to swim after that. 

He handed it back over to Damon, his eyes trailing across his face. He took notice of his feminine features, like his strong cheekbones and slim nose. They accentuated his beauty. 

He thought of the time Damon kissed him, years ago, before any of this had begun. It was much simpler back then, even if it hadn't felt that way. He had gotten so overwhelmed after it all happened, he aimlessly walked around the streets of Colchester until the early hours of the morning. It was the only thing he could think of that would help him calm down. Once he got home, he stayed in bed until he was needed for rehearsal. 

He often regrets pushing away at Damon that night but doesn't know why. He's not supposed to be feeling like this, let alone feel this way towards your best friend. It left him in utter turmoil sometimes, when it's late at night and his cock is hard and all he can think about is Damon's lips wrapped around it. 

"What are you staring at?" Damon made Graham snap out of his trance. 

The pink in his cheeks began to show, embarrassed he was caught. "Nothing..nothing." A nervous giggled escaped his lips.

It made Damon smile. "Doesn't seem like it." His face had become red, but not in the same sense as Graham. The whiskey bottle was nearly half empty. 

Graham could feel the alcohol, it flowed through his veins like a warm hug giving him liquid confidence. "I miss you." 

The words pinched at Damon's heart. They may spend every waking hour with each other, and yet they had become so distant. He missed Graham so much, more than either of them could comprehend. He would give anything to go back before all this, nights spent crammed on top of Graham's bunk in his dorm at Goldsmith's. 

This made Damon's expression change, staring at Graham with sad eyes. "I miss you too." 

Graham couldn't help but place a hand across Damon's jaw, stroking his cheek with his thumb. He wanted nothing more than to be closer to Damon.

"Can I kiss you?" Graham's voice was almost a whisper.

Damon's eyes fell, reminded by the repressed feelings he had towards Graham. They were devastatingly crushing, it was impossible not to feel absolutely in love with him.

He closed his eyes and shook his head.

Graham pressed his lips on him and it felt as though a hundred fireworks shot off inside his body. The kiss was tender, almost weary. Damon snaked a hand to reach around Graham's neck so he had no other option but to kiss him deeper.

It was like they were sixteen again, but it was different. They had emotion coursing through each kiss this time, symbolizing every wasted moment. 

Damon positioned his body so that he was sitting on Graham's lap, his legs resting on each side. His hands cupped at Graham's face delicately. They stayed like this, exploring each other's mouths at an agonizingly slow pace. 

Suddenly Graham gripped at one of Damon's wrists, making him stop. Damon looked at him, soft but questioning. 

"Don't leave me, I couldn't bear it again."  Graham looked at him with a bereaved expression. 

His stomach dropped. He remembered the night he left Graham's house in a rush, not being able to look back. It made him so confused, he only knew how to repress it. He proceeded to fuck some blonde haired college student who he couldn't give two shits about. He'd be lying to himself if he'd say he wasn't thinking about Graham the entire time. The moment they shared was always there but never uttered, as though it never happened. And it was his fault, all of it. 

Damon lifted his hand that had Graham's hand around it and kissed the inside of Graham's wrist. "Never." He murmured against the skin. 

Graham used his free hand to grab at Damon's hair and forcefully place his lips on his. It was the same as before, but a lustful ache between them had formed. The kisses were sloppy now, both of them not caring where they landed as long as it was in contact with the other's skin. 

Damon started to kiss down the side of Graham's neck, occasionally stopping to leave a bite or two. It made Graham's breath snag as if he had forgotten how to breathe.

His hands found the button of Graham's blue jeans and quickly undid them as he marked the place where his neck met his shoulder. He got off of Graham to get down on his knees in front of him. 

"Damon, you don't—"

"I want to." 

Damon slid the garments passed Graham's thighs so they were sagging from his ankles. His dick jerked from the force of the movement, Damon staring at it with lust and longing.

He took it in his hand first, smearing the precum that had been composed across the head. It made Graham shiver, the sheer sensation of contact had become too much.

Lazily he moved his hand up and down the shaft with a small smirk on his face. To watch Graham quake under his touch gave him a small sense of pride. He was already looking forward to next time.

Without warning, Damon flattened out his tongue and placed it under the base of Graham's cock. He moved his way up until he reached the head, finally engulfing his lips around it.

Graham cursed with a heavy breath. He couldn't think of a time where he wanted something more. The pure bliss he was feeling had enwrapped his brain, letting him not think about anything; except for Damon, Damon, Damon, Damon.

The pace gained momentum fast. Graham had no other option but to grasp at something, anything, and that something be the roots of Damon's hair. He clenched at them roughly, perhaps too roughly, and yet Damon let out a muffled moan. 

Undoing his own pants Damon seized at his own member and began to tug at the same time as his mouth bobbed on Graham's. It made his stomach warm and his legs weak. 

"Oh Damon, I'm going to cum." Graham said in between breaths.

His words made Damon's eyes shoot up. Their eyes were locked as Damon moved his mouth in earnest and Graham unraveling beneath him. He swallowed every drop.

In the moments after Graham had recovered, he found himself on top of Damon who's dick was still red and pulsing. Their feet were tangled against the wood flooring and chests rising and falling against one another. Graham jerked harshly as his mouth found Damon's, suppressing his coarse sobs.

As he came Damon's entire body froze, ecstasy coursing through it from the tips of his toes to the roots of his hair.  

He relaxed as he finished, barely able to keep his head up. He felt Graham rub something off on his t-shirt.

"You're messy." Graham said with a laugh. And it was true, Damon's shirt was already littered with semen.

"Can you blame me?" He replied, still trying to catch his breath.

Graham just rolled his eyes, resting his head on top of Damon's chest. He had managed to pull his pants up, but the two of them still looked like a disheveled mess. 

 

The night ended with them arriving at their destination, with no suspicion from the other boys about the activities that had happened in the room next to them. In a hotel room with two beds, Graham and Damon found themselves weaved together in a mess of lanky limbs.

They stayed up later than they should have talking about the songs Damon had written, which he had finally shown Graham in the wake of their ravishment. Damon had fallen asleep with his head in the crook of Graham's neck, coaxed by Graham's fingertips trailing across his back. He followed Damon shortly, but not before taking in Damon's features once more that night. He looked so much more tranquil as if he was finally not angry at the world.

Graham wanted nothing more than to see more of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are enjoying this, I appreciate all of the kudos! I've been having such fun writing this, and can't wait to share more!! And if you'd like, you can follow me on twitter @1997damon :o)


	4. 1993

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a delay! Promise you'll be able to keep up with my untimely updates (^_^;)

  

 _We all feel the same_  
_All pleasure nothing to gain_  
_I've known you from the start_  
_I've grown used to your wooden heart_

 

Damon woke up before Graham did. They were at his apartment, too big and lavish for his liking. It always felt barren and cold if there wasn't someone with him, and that someone was usually Graham. 

The morning sun peeking out from the blinds sprayed over the side of Graham's naked body, leaving him looking like a work of art. With an arm propping his head up Damon watched him sleep, an innocent act that was arbitrary. Graham's chest rose and fell with every breath and a cream sheet draped over his legs. His shaggy hair was a mess and his chin was littered with dark stubble, a result of the lazy weekend they shared in bed.

Damon couldn't help himself from touching Graham, his fingertips running the length of Graham's arm uncomfortably slow. Goosebumps rose in his wake and the guitarist stirred in his sleep. 

Graham scrunched his eyes, not welcoming the light coming from the window adjacent from him. He rolled over so he was now on his side facing Damon. His eyes were still closed and had a frown on his face. 

"What time is it?"

"Half past noon." Damon had been up for about thirty minutes or so but decided to let Graham sleep in. They had been up late drinking and writing songs that wouldn't make sense in a sober state.

"You should've woken me up, you bastard!" Graham punched playfully in the direction of Damon, but with his eyes still closed, he missed.

"Thought you needed some beauty sleep, fix that ugly mug of yours." Damon fired back.

Graham peeked at Damon through one eye, his frown turning into a sly smile. "Says a lot about your taste." 

Damon moved his body closer to Graham, his hand snaking its way around his waist. "No it doesn't. Only like your ugly mug."

Graham nuzzled his face into the crook of Damon's neck to hide the blush that was forming. Damon knew the exact buttons to push to make his cheeks turn a deep shade of pink, and he knew it.

They laid like that, wrapped in each others warmth until the afternoon sun became unbearably hot making their skin stick. 

"I think it's proper time for a much-needed shower." Damon suggested.

Graham nodded, agreeing with Damon. For the past two days they've barely left Damon's room, except for tipping the pizza boy when they wanted to do anything but scrounge for food. They had been too busy fucking, drinking or watching whatever was on the television. 

Graham followed him to the attached bathroom and watched Damon from the door frame. He was naked just as Graham was, with his butt facing him. Graham couldn't even admit it to himself that it must've been one of his favorite things about Damon. It was the perfect size and roundness, and it looked just beautiful with a hue of red. With a single thought, Graham made his way behind him and just as Damon bent down to turn the water on he placed his hand on it with a light slap. It made Damon jump, followed by a low purr. 

"Have I ever told you how lovely your arse is?" 

"Yes." Damon replied with a mocking smile, returning to what he was doing.

They went in once the water was warm enough, Graham closest to the shower head. Water sprayed on his back while Damon was almost completely dry. 

Damon reached for his shampoo, fully intending to wash Graham's hair. After squirting the milky liquid onto his hands he scrubbed them together, making a frothy mixture. He placed his hands on each side of Graham's head, his fingers weaving through his dark hair.

"I could have done this myself, yaknow."  Graham didn't want to tell him that he was enjoying it, the rhythmic circles Damon was creating made his entire body slack.

"Where's the fun in that?" Damon beamed. 

Once Graham washed away the suds the two of them switched places, with Graham's hands engulfed in Damon's blonde bangs. He had tried to create a faux mohawk, disappointed that after every try it still went limp. He still had a good laugh, though.

Their hands wandered as they washed the other, places they've touched a hundred times but always seem new. It was an innocent act, simply exploring places they were all too familiar with.

The shower ended with a sweet kiss.

It was the only responsibility they had to do, their days had been long and uneventful for most of the summer. That let Damon and Graham do what they wanted, the case usually being beside each other. Damon's bed had now seemed unwelcoming; the hours spent in it had been enough. They were itching to do something. 

Graham had barely brought a change of clothes for himself so he had to use what he was given, which was Damon's unorganized closet. 

He picked out a simple outfit, jeans and a worn out t-shirt. They were lucky enough to be close to the same size. The t-shirt was a bit snug, Graham's stomach showed if he wasn't careful with pulling it down when needed to. 

"I want to take you out." Damon said once Graham had dressed himself. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Somewhere nice. Somewhere no one will recognize us." Graham looked down to what he was wearing. If Damon was trying to go somewhere fancy, he was not in the right attire. 

"How about somewhere back home?" Graham suggested.

The thoughts of Colchester flooded Damon's head. There wasn't much there, except for memories they shared together. "Hole in the Wall?"

A bright smile formed on Graham's face. It used to be their favorite pub, and he swore they had the best bar food in the entire country.

"It's over an hour to get there by train. Are you sure?" Graham said.

Damon didn't even want to question it. "Of course. We could visit Hazel if you'd like." He knew Graham had a soft spot for her.

It was set. They made their way to the Liverpool street station just as the train was about to leave, finding seats in the back. 

Damon went to grab at Graham's hand to weave their fingers together but Graham pulled back. "What if someone sees us?"

"I couldn't care less." Damon told him. He was partly lying, he didn't know what to do if anyone found out, especially the media. They hadn't even told their bandmates, even if they were sure they were at least somewhat aware of what was going on. 

Graham had a conflicting expression on his face. He took Damon's hand back but placed it in between the seats so the only ones who could see were them. 

They held hands for the rest of the way there, laughing and discussing memories as kids. 

"Remember when we had been playing in the rain and when we came inside you walked on the carpet with your shoes still on? I swear, mum was about to slap your cheeks." Graham reminisced. 

"She should've. I was 'round there all the time I was basically one of her's." Damon said. 

"Your mum probably owes my mum a couple hundred pounds from all the food you used to take from the pantry." Graham said with a laugh. Damon laughed with him, knowing he was right. 

They arrived at their destination before they knew it, the train station in Colchester being all too familiar. Graham remembered the day he had left for university, his mother in tears and his dad having a less than happy look on his face. Art school wasn't his first priority, but Graham still knew he was proud to see he was at least going off to do something bigger. 

They made it to the pub before the dinner rush, just before five. They ordered a couple of pints, something to cure their fading hangovers. 

"Don't I know you two?" The bartender asked them.

"I don't think so, mate." Damon told him.

"Yeah, I do! You two use to come here back in the day. Tiny blokes."

Damon gave Graham a cheeky grin. 

"That was us alright. We would stop by almost every weekend, isn't that right Dames?" Graham faced Damon, taking a swig of his beer.

Damon nodded, and gave the bartender a wink "Don't expect us anytime soon." 

With that, they left the bar and found a table in the back. It felt as though they were just there, illegally drinking until they were piss drunk and having to sneak back home without waking up their parents.

"You don't think we'll be back here?"

"Never said that. Just not soon." Damon told Graham. He wasn't expecting to, anyway. 

It gave Graham a melancholy feeling in his chest. He knew he was right, but he didn't want him to be.

He took his hand and rested it on top of Damon's. "I'm glad we're here now."

 

They didn't drink much, just enough for them to get warm.

They made it to Damon's old house a bit after seven, and Damon didn't even have the heart to ring. 

He knocked on the door, an anxious look in his eyes. He hadn't seen his parents in what seemed like forever, and he hated how guilty it made him feel.

Just before the door opened, Graham squeezed his hand.

His mother welcomed him with a tight hug around his neck, almost suffocating him. She about had a heart attack when she first laid eyes on him.

And she gave the same warm welcome to Graham, someone who she would call family.

It was all smiles and laughter that night, talks of their mischief now and plans for the future. 

They sat around Damon's kitchen table that his father refused to trash, there were even sketches Graham and him had made on the wooden peg ten plus years ago. Hazel had made them tea, but with the hour being so late Damon barely touched his. Graham drank to be polite.

Damon watched as Graham talked joyously to his parents, zoning out. He had that sparkle in his eyes whenever he was talking about something he was fond of. It gave Damon a funny feeling in his stomach, something he's never felt before. That is, until Graham.

"We should probably head out soon, don't want to miss the train." Damon said once Graham had finished his story about giving Alex two black eyes in one day. 

"Nonsense! Your room is just how you left it. It's a perfectly fine place to spend the night. Plus, you'd be able to get my famous scotch pancakes in the morning."

Graham salivated at the thought of them.

Damon looked over at Graham but already knew his answer. "You know I can't say no to you mum." He sighed.

Graham tried to help with the dishes, but Hazel just shooed him off. He followed Damon up to his room, and it felt like walking into a museum. The room looked like it hadn't even been touched since Damon had left for college. It even had his old New Order posters hanging on the walls.

"Homey, isn't it?" Damon said as he fell onto the full size bed. 

"Something like that." 

Damon motioned for Graham to come closer to him. Graham was still in the doorway, trying to take everything in. Sitting up Damon grabbed him by the waist and pulled him down on top of him.

"I don't think I've kissed you all day." 

Graham snickered. "You kissed me this morning!"

"That doesn't count." Damon gave him a chaste kiss that lingered. 

Graham kissed him back in earnest, opening his mouth and letting Damon roll his tongue onto his. He tasted like stale cigarettes and cheap beer. 

Damon placed his hands on the small of Graham's back, but kept moving them further down. His hands ended up under Graham's jeans, resting on his backside. 

Graham's hands were lost in Damon's hair, and his mind was lost in the kiss. Damon usually was the one thing that was on his mind, and when he kissed him his brain went into overdrive.

"Take your pants off." Damon commanded between kisses. 

It made Graham stop altogether, lifting his head so he was looking at Damon. "Do you think that's a good idea? Your parents aren't even 20 feet away." He moved his body so that he was now next to Damon, and Damon's hand were now on his hips. 

"We've done it before, haven't we?" Damon looked at Graham through his eyelashes with a small smile on his face.

Graham was flooded with the memory of the afternoon they shared years ago. He still hasn't found anyone who could kiss like that.

"We were young and stupid." Graham said with a nervous laugh.

"What do you think we are now?" Damon pulled him back in for another kiss with an open mouth. Graham didn't protest. 

With his lips still locked onto Graham's, Damon undid Graham's pants and pushed the fabrics down to his knees. Graham was unsurprisingly hard already when he took him into his hand. 

Graham moaned into Damon's mouth as Damon moved his hand at such a slow pace. He fumbled for Damon's jeans, only to be swatted away. He settled with gripping at the loose ends of Damon's t-shirt.

The pleasure didn't last long as Damon's hand left Graham's cock, just so he could undo his own pants. With a quick motion, he took them off and moved closer to Graham.  

He took them both into his hand, the contact of Graham and himself made Damon shudder. He started slow like before, until working his way towards a more even tempo.

Graham broke away from the kiss, resting his forehead on Damon's. He was panting, and occasionally letting out a soft curse word. His eyes were closed and had a focused look on his face. 

Damon had his eyes open and watched as he made Graham unfold. He picked up his speed, a whimper escaping Graham's lips as he did so.

"Day, I-I'm about to." Before he could finish, Graham came over Damon's hand. His body became almost limp, and he started to give light pecks across Damon's neck.

Damon came as Graham bit and licked at the skin below his jawline. He could've sworn he had shouted out Graham's name.

Graham moved his lips to Damon's mouth, giving him a long lazy kiss. 

After regaining some of his strength Damon went to fetch a washcloth from the bathroom, something his mother always stored even if no one was home. For times like these.

He washed himself first, discarding his stained shirt in the process. He then went over to Graham and did the same.

"Didn't think you'd be washing me for a second time today." Graham quipped. 

Damon just ignored him with an exaggerated grin. By the time he placed the cloth back in the bathroom and returned to the bedroom, Graham was under the covers waiting for him.

He climbed in next to him, Graham hurridly placing his arms around him. It made him warm, for more reasons than just body heat.

"Graham?" Damon's voice was small.

Graham looked at him from where his head rested on his bare chest.

"I love you,"


	5. 1994

 

 _I'm hanging on your words_  
_Living on your breath_  
_Feeling with your skin_  
_Will I always be here_

 

He loved him. He loved him so much that his heart ached. It ached for his touch, his thoughts, his smile when he tries to hide it. 

And he's known it since the beginning. Ever since that fateful day at Stanway when he had to squint his eyes so he could look up at the boy standing above him because the sun was too bright. It was like a halo behind him. 

The boy proceeded to mock his shoes, and he was mad at first but had to admit to himself that he was fascinatingly confident. He wanted to be by his side since then.

That's why this was so hard.

It seemed like everyone wanted a bit of Damon now, and that left Graham insecure. He's felt like this before when they were in school and all the girls would be staring at him. Now the whole world was staring at him. 

But he knew Damon loved him back. He had too. He would always come home to him, back into his arms. That was what mattered.

He felt a pang of jealousy that he wasn't expecting; he was jealous of the stardom Damon was receiving, which he should have expected by just looking at him. He honestly thought that once they had become big and famous, he would have little to no troubles. He was naive. 

Yet he worried for Damon. Some days, things would get too much for Graham and he didn't even want to begin to think about how it was for Damon. When he thought no one was looking Graham could see the anxiety creep up onto Damon's face, and the ache in his heart began to form again. An ache to keep Damon from feeling like that.

He could see the look now. They were backstage in their dressing room, a room that all of the previous bands that had performed earlier had used. Radiohead could be heard from a distance, muffled by the walls that separated them. 

By the looks of it, everyone else was as anxious as Damon. Glastonbury was the biggest music festival in the country, it would be a shock if any of them weren't nervous. Graham's stomach had begun to do flips. 

Damon's face had gone pale, his head falling close to his legs as he sat on the couch adjacent to Graham, an indication that he had to get him out of here.

"Dames, let's go get some fresh air, yeah?" 

Damon rose his head just enough so he could look at Graham. He nodded weakly. 

Graham came to him to help him up, grabbing his hand. They walked until they were outside behind the stage, out of sight except for the roadies scrambling around them. 

"Have you had too much or too little to drink tonight?" Graham tried his best at keeping the conversation light.

Damon gave him a feeble smile until his eyes turned wide and his lips turned tight. With a hand on Graham's shoulder to keep himself steady Damon puked in front of them, barely missing Graham's shoes. 

Graham didn't falter, the act being a reoccurring event. Instead, he began to rub circles into Damon's back as he wiped remanence from his mouth. 

"Sorry." Damon said shakily. 

 "Don't be, I've got you." Graham reassured him. 

Damon's smile was stronger this time when he finally looked back up to Graham. "Too little to drink I suppose." 

"Don't worry. I've got some beers back inside. And don't worry about tonight, ok? There's never been a night when you haven't amazed the crowd." Graham reached down to subtly reach down and squeeze Damon's hand.

Damon had to resist the urge to kiss Graham, he wanted nothing more than to do so. He squeezed his hand back.

They admired at each other until the crowd brought them back down to earth, screams and clapping coming from the front of the stage.

Graham smirked at Damon. "Our turn now." 

 

Just like Graham said, Damon was amazing. Once he got in front of a crowd, all his worries would disappear. He would put all his energy into the performance, and truly look happy.

While they were playing To The End, Graham took a moment to glimpse over to Damon. He was standing stock in front of the sea of people, the disco ball shining against his back. He looked so angelic Graham had to remind himself that he wasn't looking at a painting. 

They ended the set with the crowd roaring, they had played their hearts out. 

Running back to their dressing room, Damon pulled Graham to the side, almost under the stage. He gave him a long kiss, grabbing each side of his face with his hands. electricity coursed between them, adrenaline from the show overtaking their rational thoughts.

They walked together side by side back to their room, Dave and Alex already waiting for them.

"God, I wish more shows were like that." Dave exclaimed. 

"That was insane! If only we had that many fans." Graham said humbly, making a beeline for the bottles of wine displayed in the corner of the room.

"Hmph." Alex agreed, but seemed distant. 

They didn't have much time to talk after that, the higher-ups wanted them out as fast as they could. They didn't mind, it gave them more time to mingle and get drunk in the crowd for the rest of the night.

But before Damon could leave, Alex stopped him so it was only them left in the room. 

"What are you doing? Come on, let's go get wasted." Damon said trying to push past him. 

"I saw you." 

"What?" At first Damon was confused by his statement, then had a sudden sense of dread come over him.

"I saw you and Graham. I knew you two were close but not...not—"

"It's none of your business, Alex." Damon said bluntly. He was confused as to why he even cared.

"It is my business, if my damn bandmates are fucking fairies." Before Damon could reply he walked off, disappearing into the mass of people.

Damon was shocked, he was expecting everything but that conversation. He needed to find Graham and forget. 

He eventually did after filing through hoards of people who were either drunk or loaded. Some tried to talk to him, one girl even jumped on top of him, expressing her ever dying love for him. 

Once he reached Graham he asserted his need to leave. Graham was more hesitant, enjoying his time with the group he had found with Dave. But once he saw the urgency in Damon's eyes, he agreed.

They easily found a taxi on the outskirts of the festival, a line of them waiting for attendees. 

It was quite until Graham decided to speak up. "I thought you wanted to stay. Did something happen?"

Damon contemplated on telling Graham. He thought against it. "I just don't want to be around anyone. Just you."

His tone made Graham think otherwise. He didn't push, knowing Damon would tell him what was bothering him in time. "That's ok. Only if you promise to have just as much fun with me in the hotel room." 

They made it back at a reasonable time, hours before their other bandmates would arrive back. In their room, there were two queen size beds but both of them knew that one of them would be untouched. There were bottles of champagne and wine in their mini fridge, something Graham had done just to be prepared. 

The champagne was nice, something Graham had gotten to celebrate their night. As he popped the cork out of the bottle, it flew across the room. It made Damon start to laugh.

"You buffoon! Could've knocked my eye out." Damon yelled between chuckles.

"The important part is; I didn't." He held the bottle out in front of them. "To us." He said before taking a large gulp.

Graham handed the bottle to Damon and he took just as big of a drink. "To us." He said with the champagne still in his mouth. 

"I think you looked incredible out there." Graham couldn't stop thinking about Damon jumping and dancing on stage. He just looked heavenly.

"What, all sweaty and crazy? You must really love me." Damon told him after passing the bottle back to Graham. 

Graham took another swig. "You already know the answer to that." His voice was serious. 

Damon looked at him as if he had hearts in his eyes. He instinctively moved to wrap his arms around Graham's waist, pulling him into a hug. "I love you. No matter what."

Graham was a bit confused by the action, but went along with it. "I love you too, forever." 

They stayed like that, wrapped around each other. It was until Graham pulled away to take another drink of the alcohol that Damon unlocked his arms that were around him, noticing how weird he must've looked. 

"Sorry...It's just, I don't want anything to change. I don't want anyone to take this away." Damon confessed.

"D, no one's going to take me away from you. I don't think you'll let them." 

Damon cracked a smile, knowing he was right. "Ok. Yeah, yeah. You need to get me drunk."

And he did, after they had finished the bottle of champagne they moved onto the bottle of wine, finishing that too. They found themselves on the bed, talking about the new albums releasing later that year that Graham was excited about. Damon's belly was warm and his head was fuzzy. 

"You're such a dork, you know that?" Damon said once Graham had finished telling him about the bands he had liked seeing at the festival.

"Are you just realizing this now?" 

"No. I've known this. Just needed to remind you." 

Graham was suddenly on top of him, peppering him in bites and tickling Damon's side. "You're a pain in the arse, you know that?" Graham whispered in his ear.

 "I do." Damon said back. He moved Graham's head so he was staring at him now. Damon lifted his head enough to reach Graham's lips, planting a tender kiss. 

Graham kissed him back, turning the kiss into something that was fueled by the long day of barely touching one another. Damon tasted like red wine, with undertones of vomit. He didn't mind one bit.

Damon matched Graham's need, hastily grabbing to undo Graham's belt and pushing his jeans down his thighs. Graham broke the kiss to take his shirt off over his head and throwing it across the room. Damon took his chance and pushed Graham to the other side of the bed, letting him be the one on top. He followed Graham's lead and also took his shirt off, it finding itself next to Graham's. 

His lips found Graham's once again, kissing him with an open mouth. He kneaded at his crotch, his underwear being the only barrier Damon had. 

"Take them off." Damon said against Graham's lips. He obliged, quickly following his order. Damon began to make a trail of kisses down Graham's neck and body, paying the most attention to the most sensitive parts of Graham, something he's learned over the years. 

As a swift motion, he found his mouth on Graham's nipple, using his tongue to circle it before lightly biting down. It made Graham jump, followed by a soft moan. 

He kissed along his stomach until he reached his cock, ignoring it. Graham whimpered for contact, Damon not giving it to him. Instead he kissed along his inner thighs, moving closer and closer to where Graham so desperately wanted to be touched.

With his face in between Graham's thighs, Damon began to kiss and lick at Graham's opening. His tongue started a steady rhythm, entering and leaving, moving enough to start opening Graham.

He momentarily stopped to stick his fingers into his mouth, wetting them. Starting with one finger Damon pushed into Graham making his breath hitch. He looked up to find Graham's eyes closed, his brows furrowed. 

"Is this ok?" Damon moved his finger slowly, watching to see if Graham's expression changed.

"Yes, I'm ok." Graham breathed. 

This wasn't something they did a lot, at least with Graham. He was always too nervous, never able to fully relax.

Damon kissed at his thighs again, reassuring him. Once he had gotten a good enough pace with one, he entered another finger. It made Graham gasp, the skin around Damon's fingers tightening. 

"I promise you. I promise you I'm going to make you feel so good. You just need to trust me. You need to unwind." 

Graham nodded, taking a deep breath. Damon could've sworn he had stopped breathing. 

And he did, Damon was able to start pushing in and out casually, scissoring his fingers occasionally. 

He managed to start going deeper with every thrust, picking up a decent speed. With his free hand he reached Graham’s cock, which had become hard.

“God, fuck.” Graham breathed.

Damon stopped, worried he had hurt him. He looked back up to him, his face slack and his mouth hung open.

“Pleasenodon’tstop.” Graham jumbled his words.

But Damon took his fingers out, finding the button of his jeans and took them off. Reaching for the bedside table he scourged for the small packet of lube that he had brought. With a slick hand he coated his penis with a few strokes. The touch was relieving; he had been hard ever since they had started kissing.  He positioned his body so he was on top of Graham once again and started giving him chaste kisses along his neck and mouth.

With a hand on his cock to guide, he entered Graham deliberately slow. His face inches away, Damon watched Graham for any anguish.

Once his head had disappeared into Graham, Damon paused. Graham was biting his lip, a few beads of sweat were found on the sides of his face.

“You feel so good.” Damon exhaled, his hands reaching for Graham’s hair, delicate fingers running through it.

Graham reached up to kiss Damon once he had slowly started to move again, their mouths matched the rhythm of the thrusts.

Graham began to drag his hand across the length of his own cock; the pressure of Damon’s being all too much.

He moaned loudly into Damon’s mouth as Damon hit the spot inside of him that made his entire body tingle. It had begun to feel amazing, the mix of pain and pleasure had almost made Graham lightheated. He placed a hand on the small of Damon’s back, encouraging him to go faster and harder.

Damon swatted away the hand that was on Graham’s cock, replacing one of his own. “I want to make you cum.”

He was thrusting into Graham in earnest now, and he felt himself close to the edge. He had placed his head on the side of Graham’s; the only thing he could hear was his heavy breathing.

With no warning Graham’s cock pulsed, and a mangled scream of Damon’s name left his lips. An array of milky liquid covered his stomach and Damon’s hand.

Damon breathed a string of curse words, the pit of his stomach becoming tight and his need became desperate.

“Cum in me.” Graham’s voice was hoarse, Damon barely heard him. It was enough to take him over the edge, his body turning stiff above Graham as he came.

Graham could feel Damon’s cock pulse inside of him, following a warm sensation that made his own dick lazily jump.

Damon stayed like that for a moment, idly moving in and out of Graham until it was too much. Unceremoniously he fell onto the bed space next to Graham.

He was breathing hard, his hand on his stomach as it rose and fell. His eyes were closed. Graham moved so his head was resting on his hand and he was on his side, watching Damon.

“I liked that.”

“You should trust me more.” Damon’s eyebrows rose in a smart aleck way.

A hundred comebacks danced in Graham’s head, but he ignored them. Instead, he reached for Damon, placing his head on his chest and his arm around his belly. Damon’s hand found Grahams, intertwining their fingers together.

“I love you.” Graham said after a moment of silence.

He never got a reply, Damon was already asleep.


	6. 1995

 

 _I wanna be forgotten_  
_And I don't want to be reminded_  
_You say, "Please don't make this harder"_  
_No, I won't yet_

 

The room was so crowded, Graham could barely take a deep breath. The smell of cigars and bubbly champagne assaulted his nose, he had lost count with how much smoke had been blown in his face. He didn't even know a third of the people there, executives from this company and managers from that label. He couldn't be bothered in remembering anyone he had been introduced to that night. Once downing his drink, he squeezed his way through the mass of people to find the stairwell, every rational thought he had had already flown out the window.

Stumbling up the flights of stairs he found himself on the top floor, in some room that looked like a converted bedroom. It looked like a meeting room with chairs and a big table in the middle, but big enough to only fit less than a dozen people comfortably. Windows scattered the wall across from him.

He felt as though he didn't have control of his body at that point as he made his way to the end of the room and unlatched a window on the far right. He lit a cigarette before wedging his torso through the window frame. He stood frozen on the small balcony the structure of the building provided. He watched the quiet street below him while the August air bit at his face and made his short dark hair askew. He touched the warm brick that was behind him with his fingertips, the first thing that actually felt real tonight.

It was a selfish act, he knew this. The thing was, he couldn't remember the last time he was selfish. He has given his everything to Blur, and he had ended up feeling hollow and despondent. 

In a way, he imagined this was the way everything would end. He had come to terms with it a long time ago. Taking the last puff of his cigarette he flicked the butt, watching it fall. It dropped unceremonially, the embers going array once hitting the concrete. 

"Graham?"

The voice made him jump, almost losing his footing. His heart raced, his fingers now gripping the brick he was once tenderly holding. It made him question his actions for a split second.

"Graham!?" The voice was louder, they were surely in the room Graham was in earlier. He knew the voice too well.

He didn't say a word, hoping Damon would leave. The open window was too out of the ordinary, Damon's head poking out of it moments later. 

 

Damon saw Graham leave the party, all night he had seemed off. He was more reticent than he usually was, he looked as though he wasn't even there. He followed Graham up the stairs but had lost him once he reached the sixth floor. He had the weirdest feeling in his stomach, it was almost painful. The cracked door and following breeze had been a dead giveaway. 

He thought the worst when he stuck his head out the window. He immediately looked down, a wave of relief washed over him when he didn't see Graham's lifeless body lying below him. Instead he was greeted with black converse to the right of him, he had to look up to see the rest of Graham.

"What are you doing?"

Graham was silent. 

"Stupid question. Why do you think you need to do this?"

Graham started to laugh. Damon wouldn't be able to comprehend how complex the answer to that would be. 

"Alright. Would you want to step down, perhaps we could talk about it?" Damon didn't know how to react to this sort of situation, he was trying his best. 

"Why would I want to do that?" Graham spat. 

"Because I need you too." 

Graham finally turned his head towards Damon with a wild look in his eyes. "You're trying to guilt me into not killing myself. Is that it?" 

"No, Graham." Damon had to choose his words wisely. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Yes you did. Ever since I can remember, I've been doing everything for someone else. Never for me." 

"So you want to start by offing yourself?"

Graham went silent again. 

Damon was the one who felt guilty. He had noticed the signs; Graham hardly eating, instead drinking his body weight. The only time he acted like himself was when he was piss drunk, usually forgetting everything that had happened the night before the moment he woke up. Damon just passed it all off, coming to the conclusion that this was Graham now.

"I know you don't want to hear it but I couldn't live without you. I don't want to start thinking about it. I thought you told me forever." 

Graham's features softened. They then twisted slightly and his breath became erratic.

He moved towards the window, Damon reaching for his hand, helping him down and back into the room. Graham's hands were clammy and once he was fully back inside his legs gave out, making him fall to the ground.

Tears streamed from Graham's eyes and he was mumbling, Damon was unable to decipher what he was saying. He put one of his hand over Graham's and placed it where his jaw met his neck.  

"Breathe. Focus on your heartbeat. It wants you alive as well." Damon watched as Graham cradled himself, he looked so small. 

Graham tucked his head between his knees which were raised. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I don't know what to do and I don't know what to think I don't want to think I—" He was cut off by his sobs.

It was painful for Damon to watch, It was all too real. He had a sense of how Graham felt, but not the same extent. He was lost for words, he could only wrap himself around Graham and hold him in his arms.

 

It was sad, that moment was the most organic Graham and Damon had in months. They were so perfect in the beginning, Graham thought it would last. But Damon had found a new lover.

Graham would stare at the needle that entered Damon, then glance at the ecstasy written on his face. He knew he'd never be able to make Damon feel that way.

Nights spent alone became more common, to the point where he was used to the empty space next to him late at night. The silence would enwrap him, leaving him abandoned with his thoughts. 

Damon would put on this armor in public, where he would look fierce and unstoppable and only Graham could still see the scared boy underneath it all.

Their intimacy turned into something fueled with loathing, something that was forced and left Graham feeling more empty than before.

That was why he was so confused by the night where Damon stopped him, his words contradicting every conclusion he had in his head. He believed him though, only realizing later that yes Damon couldn't live without him. He would sink the ship and go overboard without him. 

He needed to be alone. 

He took a trip to the seaside, away from the record company. He didn't want to admit that he wanted to get away from Damon, too. 

He couldn't give two shits about the record, Country House was the most overrated song that lacked so little substance, he didn't even want to be apart of it. He rented out a small cottage that smelled like salt and looked like something he would read about when he was young. It made him feel calm.

He spent the week writing, listening to the records he brought and even started to paint. Every night he would watch the sunset fall below the sea. He busied himself so he wouldn't have much time with just his thoughts. But once the sun had disappeared they would come.

Sleep didn't come to him easily. He was painfully reminded of what he had to return to, even if every sense of his being was begging him to never leave his makeshift home. 

The worst part was he didn't know why he was so sad. He was supposed to have everything, he dreamed of what he had when he was in school. He was in the biggest band in England and it all felt like a nightmare he couldn't escape.

He thought about Damon in these moments, and how stupid he felt for still loving him. He was like a cold he could never shake off, something that he knew would always be with him for the rest of his life. It nearly scared him.

He would fall asleep once he had enough to drink.

 

"Where's lover boy?" 

Damon ignored Alex's condescending tone. "How should I know?" 

He knew Graham had left, but that was the extent of it. He really had no idea where he was.

"It's not like he follows you 'round like a lovesick puppy or anything."

Alex had come to terms with Damon and Graham being together, but that didn't mean he wouldn't torment. 

"I don't know where he is tonight." Damon didn't want to get into another row with him.

"Trouble in paradise?" Alex's pupils were dilated, almost to the point where you couldn't see his brown irises. 

There were at another party Food had thrown for them, the record company had become more proud than the boys. Damon couldn't blame Alex for at least trying to have some fun.

"Doesn't matter. I've answered your question." He was getting annoyed at this point.

"So now our guitarist has ran away! Splendid." Alex let out a laugh, something that was mixed with amusement and dread.

Before Damon could let out another word someone he had never met whisked him away to join a conversation with old white men who looked like they wiped their asses with hundred dollar bills. He didn't falter, the act being something he had gotten used to. 

He knew why Graham left, everything had turned so fake. He would put on a persona while out in public that was in between too good for it all and wanting too much. And he could feel it seep down to who he really was, turning him into someone he wasn't.

Just like after every party, Damon wasn't drunk enough and he would find his way home. He would be greeted with baggies and needles on the coffee table and take what he needed. Wrote songs that will most likely never be recorded and end up falling asleep on the couch with the television still on. A routine of his.

Tonight he dreamt of Graham. They were laughing at nothing and running their hands across their bodies. The sun was shining and he could feel fresh grass under his skin. Graham kissed him innocently on the lips, then parted his to speak. Damon woke up in a cold sweat before he could hear what he was about to say. 

 

Damon and Graham were finally reunited once Graham had come home, him barging through Damon's door without an invitation, using the spare key Damon had given him when he had first moved in. 

"Hello, come in!" Damon said sarcastically from where he was on the couch.

"I missed you." Graham's words were slurred, he was clearly drunk.

Damon got up from where he was sitting and made his way towards Graham so they were arms length from each other. "I missed you too." 

There was a moment of awkward silence between them, with Graham swaying slightly. 

 

"How was your trip?" Damon finally asked.

Graham used his shoulder to shrug. "It was ok. Didn't do much."

Damon looked at him suspiciously. "I'd like to hear about it." He extended his hand out for Graham to take. He was relieved when he did, making him follow him to his bedroom.

They sat on Damon's bed, at first only their forearms touching. Their awkward silence turned into awkward small talk, Damon being the first to share what he'd been doing since Graham had left. Graham looked visibly uncomfortable when Damon mentioned the parties and the people he had met.

"It's all nonsense really." 

"You actually think that?" Graham was surprised. Whenever they went out, Damon looked like he thrived off all the attention.

"You're acting like you don't know me. You know that I don't care for any of this. It rattles me up. Suprised I haven't bashed someone's head in yet." 

Damon had a point. Graham had forgotten how in the beginning Damon would come to him all shaken, wondering if he could do this anymore. He had just thought Damon had finally let go and accepted everything, eventually actually liking all of it. He had gotten so good at putting up a wall around everyone that it had worked on Graham as well.

"That's why I left." Graham mumbled. He repositioned himself so he was laying down now, his head resting on the pillow and his body facing Damon. 

Damon did the same, his body becoming more relaxed. He reached for Graham's hand again, a sigh escaping his lips when he accepted it. 

"I know." 

Graham inched his way towards Damon so their stomachs were pressed against one another's and their legs entangled. 

"I missed you." Graham's voice was different this time, as if it was a subconscious thought he had accidentally said out loud. 

Damon knew what he meant. It broke his heart, he felt the same.

Graham began to talk about what he did while he was away, not realizing what he had said. It brought a smile to Damon's face, he was at least glad Graham got to do some things he knew he loved so much. 

"You're going to have to show me what you made." Damon commented.

A blush formed on Graham's cheeks, burying his head into Damon's chest. 

This almost felt foreign to Graham, even though they were just having a normal conversation. He felt like he hadn't actually talked to Damon in months.

"They're a bit embarrassing." The paintings he had were a mess of what he had been feeling, fueled by dreary thinking and anger.

"Nothing's embarrassing to me anymore." Damon told him.

Graham picked his head up from where it was resting to look up at Damon. He was still amazed by how Damon always knew what to say. He proceeded to press his lips on Damon's chastely.

Damon melted into the kiss, he had forgotten how beautifully Graham tasted. He never thought he would long for the taste of stale cigarettes mixed with red wine.

Graham broke away unexpectedly, Damon couldn't read his face.

"Are you ok?" It was a sincere question Damon had.

Graham's eyes fluttered down, a slight frown forming on his lips. "I don't know. I'm fine." The alcohol made him say more than he wanted to. "Lonely." 

The kiss made Graham uneasy, he could sense what wasn't there like it had been before. It was like kissing a stranger. Damon made him feel wanted and safe tonight, but he knew that it was something that would transpire only when Damon wanted it to happen. He needed to stop himself before he went too deep.

"You've got me." Damon placed a hand on Graham's waist and was confused when his body tensed underneath his touch.

"Do I?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is enjoying the story! I've had an amazing time writing it.  
> I've recently made a tumblr, if anyone would like to follow I'm at ibroadcast.tumblr.com! I need more blur mutuals!!


	7. 1996

_Last night I dreamt_  
_That somebody loved me_  
_No hope, no harm_  
_Just another false alarm_

 _Last night I felt_  
_Real arms around me_  
_No hope, no harm_  
_Just another false alarm_

 

The room was practically pitch black, besides from the pulsing lights that followed the beat of the music. For once Damon was being left alone, something that rarely occurred if they were in England. He had a drink in his hand, his fifth or sixth he couldn't remember, and he was watching Graham from across the room.

Graham had kept to himself for most of the tour, going to bed early or finding the closest bar to drink alone at. Some days he wouldn't even acknowledge Damon. 

Tonight he was drunk and being somewhat social. Two girls had been following him throughout the night, as though they were attached to his hip. Damon saw the affection Graham he had in his eyes when he would look at one of the girls, attention in The States was far easier to achieve for him than back at home. 

Graham had felt Damon's eyes on him all evening, it gave him a sense of pride. His stomach was filled with liquor and had a girl's hands around his waist, and he was actually enjoying himself. It gave him a high knowing Damon was seeing it happen, he didn't know how much the alcohol contributed to that.

He wanted to say it was all in the moment, but he knew that wasn't completely true. With a slight move of his neck he bent down to kiss the girl on his left, then kissed the girl to his right. They were opened mouth and he could taste strawberry vodka on both of their tongues. They did this routine for a while, dancing then a kiss, dancing then a kiss. It was until the girls began to pull him by his hands leading him to the exit of the club that he realized what he'd started.

He could feel Damon's eyes bore into his back as he left.

 

American winters were far more brutal than the ones in England, the temperature falling so low Damon thought he would lose a finger every time he went outside. Luckily they were only there for another week or so, this tour being much shorter than the one they had before. Walking into the studio they had rented out for the few days they were in St. Louis, heat enwrapped Damon like a warm hug. 

He was greeted by the rest of his bandmates, making him check his watch. He was barely even late.

"Make sure you're on time tomorrow. We only have so little." Graham told him from across the room, not looking up from his guitar.

Damon glanced at his direction for a split second before focusing on his chewed up nail beds. The sight of him still made his stomach flip, now followed by a pain in his chest. 

"What's on today's schedule?" Damon asked, ignoring Graham. 

"Can't be in St. Louis without recording St. Louis can we? Tame if we've got time." Alex told him. 

It wasn't even noon yet, but Damon made his way to the alcohol that was set up for them. He felt a headache that was most likely from the previous night's heavy drinking, and he needed to suppress it if he was going to be bombarded with heavy guitar and his thoughts.

He heard Graham mumble something under his breath as he took a swig of the brown liquid. "What was that Graham?" 

He watched as Graham shook his head and rolled his eyes. "I said, maybe you should try being sober for once." 

Damon was getting sick of Graham's constant moody attitude. "That's a load of shite, coming from you."

"What's that suppose to mean?" 

Damon glanced over to Alex and Dave, who were beginning to look uncomfortable. 

"You know what I mean." Damon's voice was quieter than Graham's, but filled with malice.

"I think you're going to have to be clearer than that, Damon." Graham said through gritted teeth.

"Well I'm just starving! Would you like to go round to the shop with me Dave?" Alex interrupted while Damon and Graham gave one another death stares.

Dave nodded and they left Damon and Graham to their own dismay. It only gave Damon a better reason to cut into Graham.

"All you do is smash things and get drunk. And when you aren't drunk, you don't even have the courage to look at me!" Damon's voice had risen.

"Like you're any better! Let me see your arm." Graham moved to expose Damon's skin under the long sleeve shirt he was wearing, but was stopped before he could get past his wrist.

"See! you're just a junkie. And anyway, it's not like you care at all. I've stopped trying." Graham was yelling at this point, but his voice cracked at his last sentence.

In defiance, Damon showed him his arm which was clean besides from a few scars. 

It meant nothing, he had moved to his legs. It was a less noticeable spot, but from the looks of Graham's expression, Damon knew he knew that. 

Graham began to laugh, but it had no joy in it. 

"I DO care. That's the problem. I care too fucking much, and you don't seem to care at all. You act like it's painful to see me. You know what's painful? Seeing you stick your tongue down some random bird you had just met." Damon regretted opening his mouth at all, knowing it would just lead to another snide remark from Graham. It was exactly what he wanted.

"I thought you'd like it. Pretty, wasn't she?" Graham decided to ignore most of what Damon said and play dumb. He wanted to believe it was all a lie.

Damon let a moment of silence drag on before he spoke again. He felt as though he didn't know Graham anymore, he had distanced himself so much from him. He felt an ache in his stomach that he couldn't describe.

"I'd never do that to you." 

Damon pushed past Graham to go and find the rest of the band, he didn't want to hear any more from Graham.

The session was unbearably quiet whenever they weren't playing, except for Dave's attempted jokes to lighten the mood. They all wanted to get out of there as fast as they could.

They went their separate ways afterward, none of them really wanting to be around one another. Damon went straight back to his hotel room, wanting nothing more than to be alone. Once his head hit the pillow he was asleep, exhausted by the few hours he had been awake.

 

Graham felt bad for the way he treated Damon, even if his brain was telling him not to. His idea of betrayal was much more subtle than Damons, making him think his actions even out to how Damon had been acting towards him in recent days.

He can't be the only perpetrator in this scenario. He had tried so hard to hold onto Damon, all he wanted was for him to slip into bed late at night and melt into him like he used to. A growing animosity for Damon had set up home inside of him, and he didn't know how to kill it.

Even with this hate, he still wanted Damon to come running to him, apologize for his absence. He acted out, hoping Damon could finally see how much he had hurt him.

There wasn't a single instance that stuck out to Graham, it had build up. There was a time where they couldn't be separated, they needed to be beside each other every moment of every day. As time went on, Damon began to drift, more focused on people who could give him things in return. It left Graham with no one but himself. 

It might have been selfish, thinking Damon could only focus on him rather than others. The thought of the days where Damon wouldn't even kiss him became unbearable.

And yes, Damon would occasionally come to him and act as though nothing was wrong. Graham would play along, hoping it was finally the moment Damon had realized that Graham was the one that Damon couldn't live without. Alas, the next morning Graham would wake up to an empty bed and an empty heart. 

Most of their conversations would be bickering, this fight was more extreme than most. After leaving the studio Graham also found himself in his hotel room, drinking hard liquor while watching television. He laughed hysterically at an episode of Dexter's Laboratory. His laughter turned into sobs, wanting nothing more to be transported into some mindless children's TV show. He was embarrassed by his own actions.

Wiping his eyes off on the grime pillowcase, he ignored his need to stay in bed until the morning sun woke him and found himself knocking on the hotel door next to his. He didn't know what he was exactly doing, he had no plan. He was met with sunken eyes and dull skin. 

"What do you want." Damon quickly turned his back towards Graham as soon as he opened the door he walked back into his room, leaving the door open for Graham to come in at his leisure.

Graham hated how he still watched Damon's every move, him being in only boxer shorts didn't help. 

Damon sat back down on his bed, his eyes not meeting Grahams. Graham couldn't read the expression on his face. 

"I didn't mean it." Graham's mind was telling him a hundred things, his best option was to just get to the point.

Damon ignored him, getting under the covers. His small frame was enwrapped with the large duvet.

Graham moved to the edge of the bed, so he was at least somewhat in Damon's peripheral eyesight. "It's true. I was just— I was just drunk."

"Shocking." Damon murmured. Graham pretended not to hear it.

"I'm sorry ok? What more do you want from me?" Graham made his way to the opposite side of the bed.

 "Did you fuck her?" 

Damon's question startled Graham. He didn't remember much after leaving the club, everything was hazy. The next morning he woke up in his hotel room, alone. 

"Dames, I would never."

"Is that where you cross the line?" 

"I know I fucked up. But it's not like you were doing me any favors! I can't remember a time where you told me you loved me and actually meant it." Graham was getting angry again, he could feel his body temperature begin to rise. 

"Is that what all of this is about?" Damon's voice was softer then, turning his head to look at Graham.

Graham paused, not expecting Damon's question. "Yes...No. I don't know. You say you care but when was the last time we spent time together?" 

Damon began to talk, but Graham cut him off. "For more than one night. Something consistent."

"So that gives you the right to kiss someone else? Don't blame this on me, Graham." 

"I'm not. I just..Wanted to feel something for once." 

Damon lifted himself up from where he was laying, pushing the covers away from his body. He stared at Graham with intent, his eyes inviting.

Graham hesitated for a moment, not know what Damon was trying to achieve. He knew if he went any closer he would be gone, Damon had a way to make Graham forget everything that was dreadful and wrong.

The alcohol in his system told him otherwise, the look Damon was already making him half hard. Before he knew it he was crawling on top of the bed, crushing his lips onto Damon's. He gripped at the back of Damon's neck, his fingernails digging into the skin. His feelings were mixing into his actions. 

He unbuttoned his pants, moving them down just enough to expose himself. He broke their kiss to push Damon's head down towards his crotch.

Damon complied, wrapping his mouth around Graham's cock without a second thought. Graham used both of his hands to pull at Damon's outgrown hair. His grasp made Damon not being able to move, unless Graham willed it. 

"You're just wanting to be my whore, huh?" 

Damon looked up at him, saying nothing. Graham proceeded to thrust into Damon's mouth, his speed starting slow but picked up speed quickly. He made Damon take him all, making him choke and gasp as his throat was fucked raw. Graham didn't know where this dominance was coming from, maybe this was what pent up anger did to you. During it all their eye contact didn't falter, even when tears began to form in Damon's eyes.

Graham drove his cock into Damon's mouth one last time, pushing his head down to his base. He kept him there until he could feel his precum drip down Damon's throat, pushing him up with a pull of his hair. Damon gasped sharply, spit shining on his chin. 

"Turn around." Graham commanded.

Damon followed his orders, getting to his hands and knees with his behind facing Graham. 

Graham took his shirt off over his head, his pants drooping from his knees. He pulled Damon's boxers down, ending up where his pants laid. He lined up his member to Damon and shoved his cock abruptly into his opening. Damon gave a shout, but no protest.

"You like this don't you? Answer me this time." Graham spat.

"Mhm." Damon nodded his head, his brows furrowed. Graham continued to push into him without pause.

Graham's nails dug into Damon's skin again, this time at his hips. He needed to, the force of his thrusts had become almost uncontrollable. There was no rhythm to them, there shouldn't have been.

Damon's head slacks, hanging below his shoulders that kept his body upright and his back arched. Graham watched as his face twisted from pleasure and pain, the moans that escaped his lips when he was least expecting them.

"You just want to be like one of those girls. Want to be fucked until you can't see straight. Want—" 

"I want to be yours." Damon gasped, lifting his head slightly to look at Graham. 

"Show me." Graham stopped his thrusts, taking his hands away from where they laid on Damon. Indentions rose in his wake.

Damon clutched the bedsheets below him for support and began to fuck himself into Graham, a much more lethargic pace than what Graham had. It gave Graham time to catch his breath, he was breathing heavily and he could feel his heartbeat pound on his chest. 

Damon's mouth hung open and his cock was red and covered with shine; Graham was memorized. He had forgotten the feeling he got whenever he saw Damon like this, sweaty and needy with Graham being the only one that was able to satisfy him. 

Reaching out to him Graham grabbed at Damon's shoulder, pulling him up to him. He slid a hand around his neck, his lips pressed to Damon's ear. "I need you." It came out more of a snarl than anything else.

Damon continued to push himself onto Graham as Graham's grip tightened. As it reached to the point where he could barely breathe, Damon came, strips of semen wetting the white bedsheets. Graham followed him shortly after, pressing into Damon until the warmth of his orgasm flowed through him. 

Graham quickly got up from where he was on the bed, almost pushing Damon off of him. A rush of regret came over him, he didn't know how or why things transpired as they did. Buttoning his pants he made his way towards the door.

"Graham! Stop, please." Damon's voice was slightly hoarse from the actions moments ago. 

He did, but didn't turn around. His eyes were closed, not knowing what to expect from Damon after that. His breath became rapid and he squinched his eyes, afraid tears would fall.

He heard footsteps behind him, then a hand on his bicep. Damon turned him around, not uttering a word for a moment. He looked at Graham with concern, the hand he had placed on him began to rub tenderly along his arm.

"Stay with me tonight." His question came out as more of a statement. Graham opened his eyes to look at Damon, his eyes wet.

Graham bit at his lip but nodded, following Damon to sit down on the edge of the bed with him. 

Graham nervously began to rub at his jeans, only stopping when Damon placed a hand on top of his. "Graham?" 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be like that. It's not what I intended." Graham's voice was shaky.

"Why are you apologizing?" Damon wrapped his fingers into the spaces of Graham's, squeezing gently.

Graham looked at their hands, then to Damon. "It wasn't me. I must've hurt you."

"I would've told you if you did. I sometimes wished you were more like that."

Graham didn't even put this outcome into his array of options. He had a look of confusion and starstruck on his face. "What?"

Damon gave out a light chuckle. "Come on Graham. I know it might not have came from the most loving place.." Damon cleared his throat. "I still enjoyed it."

It was Graham's turn to comfort Damon. "Damon you're a fool if you ever thought I'd be able to ever stop loving you." 

Graham's words made Damon's cheeks turn into a deep rosy color. He turned his head trying to hide it.

"And I'm still sorry. For earlier. You didn't deserve that." Graham's breathing had evened out, his head more clear. It made him realize how exhausted he was.

"I shouldn't have lashed out at you either. I don't know who thought it would be a good idea to put two hot heads together." 

"We did." Graham said, making them both break out in laughter.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what this was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	8. 1997

_When your world is full of strange arrangements_  
_And gravity won't pull you through_  
_You know you're missing out on something_  
_Well that something depends on you_

 

 

Damon's body was warm, like a heating pad set to high. Graham's cheek on his chest had gone red, and yet he only pulled him closer. The lights of the city shined through their hotel window, reflecting the people who were still up at this ungodly hour. 

Damon's hand traced Graham's back in aimless motions, making Graham's eyes droopy with sleep. The white noise from the television filled Graham's head as he gripped Damon's shoulder blade, their bodies almost fusing together. After the long flight they had just experienced their bodies were tired but their minds raced.

"G..Are you happy?"

It took a moment for Graham to register the question, but when he did he lifted his head so his chin was rested right below Damon's sternum, eyes meeting his. 

"I am now." He hummed.

Damon's face twisted into concern as he stared back. "What does that mean?"

"I dunno. You make me happy, I guess." 

Damon's expression didn't change, but he kept quiet. They sat in silence, Damon's hand still running down Graham's back like he was too fragile to touch.

Since their last tour in America, their relationship had been less rocky than it previously had been. They actually spent time together now, but that didn't exclude their bickering. They were just both glad they were able to fall asleep in each others arms again. 

Graham pushed himself up so he was leveled with Damon. He placed a hand on the nape of his neck, using his fingers to run through the sparse hair that laid there. "You worried about me?" He had a dopey grin on his face.

"No. Maybe.." Damon stopped his hand that was on Graham's back, holding onto the skin under his palm. "I see you sometimes with this look on your face. The same face I first saw when I found you at Soho House." 

Graham received flashes of that night; Damon's eyes, the way they wrapped around his body. The irrational thoughts that consumed him to the point where he didn't want to have them at all anymore. The thoughts he still sometimes had. 

He dropped his gaze, biting at his lip.

"I'm fine Dames, really. I'm a big boy, I can handle my own demons."

"You don't have to though, that's what I'm saying." 

Graham leaned in to plant a kiss on Damon's lips, unable to think of doing anything else. Damon reciprocated, but his concern didn't falter. 

"I'm serious Graham." Damon said once they broke away. "You can always talk to me."

Graham buried his head in the space where Damon's neck met his shoulder. "I know." He mumbled.

Damon knew it was a lot to ask Graham to discuss what he was feeling, he'd imagine he barely knew himself. He decided to drop it, glad he at least got to let him know he was thinking about him. He hoped it was enough.

Silence filled the room again, something they've grown comfortable with. They were still able to find joy in each other's company when they had little to say. Being with someone for more than half your life would do that to you.

Damon glanced down at Graham who had his eyes closed, his mouth slightly agape. His breathing was shallow and his facial expression was relaxed.

"Gra? Did you fall asleep?"

Graham picked his head up to rest it back on the pillow neck to Damon's head. "Not yet." He said lazily, whipping away spit that had dripped down on the side of his chin. 

Damon glanced at the clock beside him, it was past two in the morning. “Sorry shouldn’t have bothered you.” He muttered.

”No, don’t be. You’re just comfy, that's all.” Graham said as he rubbed his palm onto Damon’s exposed chest.

Damon turned his body so he was facing Graham, a smile forming on his lips. “Comfy?”

”Dames..” Graham’s familiar blush began to show even in the dim light. Even now it made Damon’s heart race.

”Didn’t you need to say something?” Graham asked.

”No, just wanted to make sure you didn’t fall asleep before me.” Damon told him as he moved closer to Graham, placing his hands on his chest. He gingerly placed his lips on his, kissing him slowly. Graham took him in, following his pace. 

Damon started to move his hands further down Graham's abdomen, nearly to the hem of his boxers when Graham suddenly broke away from the kiss.

”We’ve got to get up early tomorrow Damon.” His blush was still prominent.

”I love it when you say my name.” Damon quipped, giving Graham one last kiss before turning to lay on his back again. 

Graham muttered a goodnight, closing his eyes and resting his head on the edge of his pillow that was closest to Damon.

Damon closed his eyes too, but his mind was wide awake. It didn't help that he could feel his erection press against his underwear. 

He tried to get to bed, he really did. At least that's what he told himself. It gave him the moral strength to reach down, his hand disappearing under the waistband of his boxers. 

He moaned shamelessly once he finally came in contact with himself, the simple touch relieving so much pressure. Moving his hand in a steady rhythm he could feel his chest lighten, shocks of electricity running through his veins. 

Graham's name escaped his lips with a sigh as he pictured him like he always did, kissing and touching every inch of his body. He couldn't remember a time where he didn't think about Graham while trying to get off. Even when he was younger, he would think of his best friend hoping that not a soul would ever find out about his dirty thoughts.

Damon looked over to glance at Graham, surprised by brown eyes looking back. "I thought you said goodnight." He said, his hand not stopping the pace it was at.

"Kind of hard to fall asleep with someone touching themselves right next to me." Graham shot back. 

Damon stopped what he was doing, rolling onto his stomach, his face inches from Graham's. "Excuses, excuses." He pressed his hand to Graham's cock, not surprised when it slightly jumped from the touch. Graham stiffened a groan.

"You're just as hard as I am." Damon murmured, running his hand along the shaft over the thin piece of fabric. 

"You should already know what you do to me. 

"So you were watching me?" Damon smirked.

Graham gave a half-hearted laugh and rolled his eyes, but gave no answer. Instead he gave Damon a fleeting kiss, just enough for Damon to register the feeling of his chapped lips. Damon was the one to lean into the kiss again, this time with an open mouth and a sharp tug at Graham's boxers. He could still taste the cigarettes that lingered on his tongue hours after he had smoked them. 

He wrapped his hand around him, Graham gasping into Damon's mouth. Bumps rose on Damon's skin, the sounds Graham makes left an indent in his brain every time. He started with the same pace he had given himself earlier, something that was even and made Graham's entire body shake. 

Graham broke away from their kiss, panting. In turn Damon attacked his neck, nipping and sucking at the exposed skin. It was Graham's turn to breath out Damon's name, which was a whisper and a moan all at the same time.

Damon felt a hand press against his navel, trailing down where the hem of his underwear met his skin. It made it's way underneath his boxers to wrap it's fingers around his head, slowly moving down to the base of his shaft. Damon's lips hovered over Graham's neck, his mouth ajar, waiting for the next move of the hand.

It moved in time of his hand; consistent with a turn at the top, making Damon move his at a faster rate. He continued with his love bites on Graham's neck, as Graham buried his head into Damon's outgrown head of hair.

They came at the same time, pulsing with each other's hands around them. Their foreheads pressed against one another's breathing heavily. 

"I'd die for you." Damon uttered, unsure if it was a joke or a fact.

Graham laughed anyway, knowing Damon would be more than serious after something like that. "I was serious earlier. I'm gonna blame you if I'm grumpy tomorrow morning."\

Damon nodded against Graham with a smile on his face. He knew his consequences. After taking off his spoiled boxers he wrapped himself against Graham, his hands locked together against his waist. 

"Thank you." Damon said, knowing he owed Graham. He knew Graham only allowed him to do this to pleasure Damon, something that he wasn't able to ignore. 

"Mhm."Graham murmured, nuzzling himself into Damon again. He closed his eyes, relishing in the warmth Damon was giving off. 

 

The next day was busy; filled with interviews and performances that fulfilled them with nothing. At the end of the day, they knew that nothing would come of it after years of them trying to impress a country that wanted nothing to do with them.

That was why they were awestruck by America's enjoyment of their second single off of Blur's album, leading their album to be the most successful worldwide. 

Previously their audience would be disinterested; crowds filled with angsty teenagers who wish they were more like Nirvana. The sound on the record being more alternative rather than pop gave them an opportunity that let them fulfill the needs of their fans in other parts of the world. 

It left them with more tour dates with much bigger crowds. Days where they'd perform for more hours than they would sleep.

By the time they had finished touring, the sky had turned grey and the temperature had fallen below freezing point. The bags under Graham's eyes had turned purple and blisters scabbed over his fingers. Damon couldn't remember the last time he had showered.

Their time after their short trip to New York had been filled with other people, the only time alone they had were in tour buses with Alex snoring heavily above them or hotel rooms in unknown cities, foreign to what they had known. 

The weeks following their departure Graham spent his time at Damon's, lounging like the place was his, occasionally cooking for them as his payment. He hadn't even brought a change of clothes, him either borrowing Damon's or sprawling in just his underwear.

Graham had woken up to an empty bed, the sky outside was dark, streetlamps being the only light illuminating the room. He picked himself up off the mattress, carrying the comforter on his back enwrapping himself like a cocoon. 

He followed the hum of the television to the living room, where he found Damon sprawled out on the couch. His legs hung off the edge with his hands underneath his head, acting as a makeshift pillow. Graham came to his side, crouching on the floor. He ran his hands throw Damon's hair, scratching at his scalp. Damon's eyes fluttered open, a smile forming on his lips as his eyes focused on who had woken him up.

"Have a nice nap?" Damon's voice was filled with sleep.

"Looked like you tried to follow suit." Graham said, pulling back the strings of hair that fell onto Damon's forehead. 

Damon noticed his surroundings, his facial expression turning into slight embarrassment. "Looks like it." 

Graham rubbed a piece of Damon's hair between his fingers, it slick with grease. "When was the last time you washed your hair, stinky?"

Damon batted away Graham's hand. "None of your business. The ladies like the look, you know" 

Graham broke out in laughter, wondering who would actually like someone with their hair looking like slicked back noodles. 

"What are you doing up so late anyway?" Graham asked.

Damon's eyes darted away from Graham's, his lips finding their way between his teeth. "Trying to have a bit of fun, it's Saturday night y'know." 

Graham followed where Damon's eyes transfixed on, needles and aluminum foil sitting on the coffee table. He hadn't even noticed it when he walked into the room. 

"Boring night I suppose." Graham retorted with Damon rolling his eyes.

Propping himself up Damon moved his body so it was hovering closer to Graham. "Do you want to try it?" 

It took a moment for Graham to reply to him. He had never had the urge to participate with Damon, but also had never been offered to. He assumed it was something Damon didn't want to involve him in, which was probably true. Jealousy still filled him, the urge to be apart of Damon's life that he didn't want him to be apart of fueled him.

He nodded, and a slight burn filled his stomach when he saw a shine in Damon's eyes. He moved out of the way as Damon sat up from where he was laying, instinctively getting together the things he needed to prepare Graham.

Graham watched as Damon added powders and liquid to a silver pan, taking a lighter to it. He slightely jumped when Damon reached to put a rubber band around his bicep.

"Make a fist, like this." Damon demonstrated. 

Graham followed his orders as he watched as Damon flicked at the syringe he had used to soak up the solvent he had created. He could feel his heartbeat bang against his chest.

"Are you ready?" 

"Y-yes." Graham answered with a shaky voice. Damon took his opposite hand into his, grasping it tightly. 

It hit him fast, a rush of blankness, followed by a flow of sedated calmness. He felt himself almost float down to the floor, Damon's hand suddenly become extremely prominent. 

That was why when it left his grasp, it was severely noticeable. He was left with this heaviness that was a mix of peace and alarm. 

He called out Damon's name that sounded out of body. He needed someone's touch, and he needed that someone to be Damon. 

He didn't notice at first when Damon came and laid down next to him, their bodies smashed against the table and the curb of the sofa. Damon was practically on top of him, Graham wrapping him into the nest he had made with the blanket around him. 

The only noise in the room came from the static that had overcome the television. With the dryness of his mouth, Graham had forgotten how to form words. 

"Why?"

Damon turned his head to look at him. "What?" 

Graham looked into Damon's green eyes, his pupil barely visible. "Why do you do this?" 

Damon lifted himself so he was on his back, staring at the stark ceiling. "Not sure." 

The answer was ambiguous, and so was the question. Graham didn't have the motivation to continue the conversation, only to wrap himself around Damon. They fell asleep like this, with Damon's legs hanging off the edge of Grahams and his hands underneath his head, acting as a makeshift pillow.

 

 

 


	9. 1998

 

 _In a minute I'll wash that love away_  
_Even now we remember what we used to say_  
_Takes a minute to wash that love away_  
_Take a clean break: wash that love away_

 

Graham's fingers ached as he scribbled lyrics on to the sheet of paper in front of him. His handwriting was almost unreadable as he wrote furiously.

_Where'd you go?  Dark eyed traveler, I almost feel you breathe. Where'd you go?  Dark eyed traveler, can you even hear me speak?_

He was such a fool. The ups and downs he had with Damon, he thought they were normal. He had heard of problems like his, he thought everything would work out in the end.

The moments he did share with Damon, he felt as though he was on top of the world. All of his silly problems would go away, as long as Damon was by his side. 

He had noticed it years ago; the change in Damon. For the time being he imagined it all as an act, something he would put on for the press and fans. He began to realize that Damon wasn't the boy who insulted his shoes in the efforts of trying to be his friend anymore. 

 _You made things_ _bright, when they took the light away_

The funny thing was, he wanted to blame it all on Damon. But he knew he also had a part in all of it. He wasn't dense, the affect stardom had on Graham had turned him towards coping mechanisms that were far from healthy. He was surprised he wasn't more broken.

He never thought of them as unhealthy until now. The constant drinking, the self loathing that came after. If he was ok by the morning, it was all alright. He would put on a smile when he was around others, making sure that nothing was out of the ordinary, that his subsists weren't slowly killing him. 

He was better at noticing the change in others better than himself. Damon had become more on edge, the smallest things would set him off, ruining his mood for the next twenty four hours. You had to make sure that you were around him during them. 

There were moments where Damon would still look at him with love in his eyes, making Graham question every conscious assumption. There would still be moments when Graham would run to Damon just to be held in his arms. 

They had become too comfortable with each other where Damon would use Graham as his emotional punching bag rather than his other half. Graham would take it all, submission at it's finest. 

He would sleep next to Damon with his mind racing as he was fast asleep beside him. He would memorize the details that had withered into somebody Graham didn't recognize.

It took him a while to realize everything. It was nothing particular that set him off, more of a slow burn. Yes, Damon would still be diligent in Graham's needs; talking with him into the night or fucking him until he was numb. The want had just turned into a burden.

_Led me inside and kissed all my tears away, said you were here to stay_

Graham tried to be more what Damon was looking for. He did everything in his power to be the person that Damon longed to hold, someone Graham just couldn't be. So much that at the end of it, he knew that he was doing more harm than good.

Damon would look at him in a way that read he knew what Graham was doing, and he didn't like it one bit. He would never voice these opinions, but the notion was always in the air. 

It was as if Damon was looking for the same thing he was, to go back in time to a point where their only worry was when the next time they'd see one another would be. 

He felt an ache in his chest when he remembered how Damon would say "Forever."

 _Where'd you go?  In the morning when I was weighted down with dreams._ _Where'd you go? In the morning when fever pulled me downstream_

Graham dropped the pencil he was holding and pushed away from the desk he was sitting at. He grabbed a hold of his dark hair at the roots, pulling at them until he felt heat from the pain. 

He knew it was him, not Damon. He knew that it was his own faults and his way of thinking were the reason why he had these insecurities and had a small belief that everything he was thinking was just all made up. He wanted to believe that the way Damon looked at him was all in his head.

He wouldn't know; it's not like he could talk to him about it. He would feel like he was just nagging at Damon, something he did far too often. He didn't want to drag Damon down with his problems, for all he knew Damon would think they were happy, that Graham was happy.

_You made things bright, t_ _hen you took the light away_

He hated how much Damon had an effect on him. Being with someone for so long, they start to fuse into your being until you can't remember if your thoughts are yours or theirs. At times, Graham wished he had never met Damon in the first place. He was selfish like that from time to time. 

In a funny way, he was grateful for these thoughts. For the past few months he had been writing down everything he was feeling and somehow he had created almost a full album. It was a pleasant thought to produce an entire album just from his imagination and hard work.

He loved Blur, he truly did but they had come to a point where they were more disappointed in their project than proud. Graham felt like the odd one out, the direction they were going was not his forte which didn't seem like a huge problem, but it had made Graham stay awake at night wondering what he was going to be remembered for.

It had come to the point where he was sick of all of this. Every little thing would tick him off, fueling the fire that was growing inside of him that told him that this wasn't what he wanted, he deserved better.

 _Lent me your eyes and showed me a brand new way, n_ ew  _I just feel dead today_

He took a large swig of the brown liquor sitting on the desk adjacent to him. He heard a knock at the door as his face twisted in disgust. He muttered a "Hmph." and Damon appeared in between the cracked doorway.

He looked at Graham for a moment with sunken eyes and a small smile. "Come to bed with me." 

Graham looked back at him then down to the messy sheet of notebook paper that sat in front of him. With a sigh, he got up from where he was sitting and obliged. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter I know, wanted to write Damon's feelings too but felt like it would be too much all for one chapter. Would you guys be interested in a part 2 for 1998?


	10. 1998 II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! With school starting up I've had less free time, and I'm starting a new fic :-) enjoy!

 

_Even now we remember what we used to say_  
_We'll be together if we wash that love away_

 

Damon watched as snow fell outside of his window, the air being still made them look like they were falling in slow motion. Most of it didn't stick, disappearing when they hit the grass and making the land shine with dew.

His bedroom was dark except for the lamp in the corner of the room, giving it a warm hue. Crossing his legs together and hunching his shoulders, Damon began to write.

_Here they come to steal my soul, wait it out until I know_

Recently Damon had the urge to start completely fresh. He wanted to create something that no one had ever done before and with the help of his friend Jamie, they imagined up their own band. Jamie was in no way a musician himself but an artist. They created characters that were supposed to be ones making the music, Damon and Jamie being the ones on the sidelines. 

They had completed the first step in making the characters come to life with backgrounds and Jamie's designs. It was now Damon's turn to start writing and producing music for their eventual album.

Writing was a form of therapy for Damon, and he had already become an expert in writing in different perspectives other than his own, while still putting in his own emotions.

_Tryin' not to feel like you did, movin' up until I go, go_

His mind went to Graham. He had a feeling he knew how he felt; alone in a room filled with people and frightened for what the future holds.

He just didn't know how to address things. He has no trouble writing songs and making remarks in interviews but when it came to Graham, someone he deeply loved, he lost his voice.

Damon loved Graham with all of his heart. It consumed him sometimes, his heart swelling with the thought of him and his eyes brightening when he looked at him. He often wondered if Graham felt the same as he did.

Things recently had become difficult. Graham would rather spend time alone, and when he wasn't he was short and left Graham empty. He would do anything for him, so when Graham would rather spend time with a bottle of liquor instead of him it left a void in himself.

Graham was smart, smarter than him by far. That was why he was surprised Graham hadn't caught on.

_She was not to hear about me leavin', tryin' to hear in my heart_

It was easier than he thought it would be to leave Graham at night with no questions asked. He would come back the next day, Graham sometimes in the same spot he had left him in. He would ask Damon if he had a good night, Damon reluctantly telling him yes. 

Damon had met Suzi at a party in which they had mutual friends with. Nothing was romantic at first, they talked throughout the night finding out the interests they shared and the differences they had. 

They would get together after that, doing common things that the two of them hadn't been able to do in recent years, with Damon's stardom and Suzi being out of the country. When she told him she had no clue to who he was, he felt a weight lift from his shoulders.

It was when she invited him upstairs to her apartment that he knew he was in too deep and couldn't turn back. After a joint and a few beers he kissed her that night.

He still felt love towards Graham, but with Suzi it felt different, new. He would convince himself that he had been with Graham for too long and that he needed to start again.

There were moments where he wanted to cut Suzi off completely and to just be with Graham. That would be the simple route, but the hollow feeling he's been having was something he wanted to get rid off, not amplify. 

_Got suicide for my baby, livin' up until I'm wanted_

He still tried to find time for Graham as much as he could. It wasn't hard with the band being together and the likes of them recording their upcoming album. There would be moments where Damon would try just a bit too hard trying to get Graham to spend time with him when he clearly wanted to be left alone, some moments where Damon thought he was for sure caught in his antics. But Graham had become so passive that he would just tell Damon to fuck off and to go bother someone else.

There were times where Graham appreciated it though, when he was in a good mood and took everything Damon offered him. It would remind Damon of the times before they even started the band, back when they spent every waking hour together not because they needed to but because they wanted to.

It the back of his head there would always be a constant reminder of what he was doing. He was essentially betraying Graham with everything he did, good or bad. He couldn't be with Graham any longer if it meant he was seeing Suzi.

He hadn't told Suzi about Graham, either. The time he spent apart from her he would excuse it with work and time with his band. He was only half lying. He never intended to tell her, if he could hurt fewer people in this equation, he would.

_Seein' like I'm all that felt that, movin' up and taught I'm a weapon_

Things were at stake here. He needed to tell Graham, he needed to a long time ago. Picturing his life without Graham was one of the hardest things he had to do, and it wasn't even real, not yet.

He stayed as positive as he could, knowing that Graham would yes, need time apart from him. It would probably be beneficial for him too. But they were still in a band together, they were partners. Graham would come back to him eventually and everything will be ok. They could become friends again.

He maniacally laughed as he remembered the time when he thought Graham had cheated on him. The hurt he had felt that night was overwhelming. He really was a complete piece of shit.

_I see myself pretend how I get there, dreamin' down I'm poisoned I must be_

If what was keeping him were memories, there would be no room for creating new ones. He was in love with who Graham used to be, the person that haunted his dreams.

He stretched his legs out, a yawn overcoming him. Getting up from where he was sitting he moved across the room to the telephone sitting on the dresser. He dialed the number he had memorized, a female voice answered after two rings.

"Suzi? ... Yeah I'll be 'round in a bit. Just keep the door unlocked. .... I love you too." 


	11. 1999

_We must play our lives like soldiers in the field_  
_The life is short_  
_I'm running faster all the time_  
_Strength and beauty destined to decay_

 

Damon laid back into his chair with his eyes closed. His head was pounding, the previous night he had gone overboard. The sound of the point of Jamie's pen hitting paper filled the room.

Jamie was the one to blame in the first place, he insisted to treat him to more than a few drinks. He hoped Jamie regretted it, Damon ending up passing out on his bedroom floor once their night out was over.

"So who are you gonna tell first?" 

Damon rubbed at his temples, wondering if the question had distributed his headache or the sound of Jamie's voice. 

"What?" Damon's eyes were still closed.

"Don't play cute."

"You aren't being specific!" 

"You want me to spell it out for you?"

"Please. It's the only way I'll understand." 

Jamie let out a huff. "Graham's gonna hate you."

Wrinkles between Damon's eyes formed. The pounding in the front of his skull pulsed. He already knew this.

He had told Jamie everything, months ago. He needed to tell someone, he could physically feel it eating himself up inside. He didn't know if Graham had caught on, but their relationship had definitely changed. Graham was barely talking to him now, Damon had confined his emotions to Suzi and Jamie since the new year. The grass had begun to turn green again and he saw a few tulips blossom.

He knew he had too. He owed it to Graham. Graham had been his saving grace, with everything they've been through Graham had always been by his side to pick him up and kept him sane. He's already done so much damage, he wondered if he could do more.

"Don't remind me."

He finally opened his eyes but squinted at the bright light. They hadn't left Jamie's house all day, Damon was basically squatting there. If he went home, Graham would be there. The only other option was Suzi's, and he didn't want that either.

Jamie muttered something under his breath but Damon didn't hear him. It was probably something insulting, knowing him. Jamie was blunt yet demeaning, it was probably the main reason Damon stuck around.

"I know you're right ok? What on earth would you do if you were in my position?" Damon's voice was coarse.

Jamie dropped the pen he was using and looked over to Damon. He had a quizzical look on his face as if he was wondering the same thing.

"You'd be surprised, but I haven't thought about it before. I would be honest, and put their emotions before my own. They haven't done anything wrong." 

Jamie was just telling him things he already knew. He did need to remind himself that he shouldn't be having any thought as to how he should feel. For too long he's been ignoring the world of hurt he was about to experience. 

"You still haven't answered my question." Jamie asked, already going back to his drawing.

"I'm going to tell Graham first." Damon decided. 

Jamie picked up his pen again made a few quick strokes, then flashed what he was working on to Damon. "What do you think about this?" Him, already on to their next discussion.

 

Damon walked home that night from Jamie's with vodka on his breath. He told himself it was the only way that he'd be able to face Graham, a sorry excuse he knew. The air was cold and sobered him up in a sort of way that cleared his foggy head but his motor functions were still less than they ought to be. He kicked at the grey slush that littered the sidewalk from the snow they had days before as his mind race, thinking about what he was going to say to Graham. He wanted to be poised and understanding, but it really relied on his reaction. He hadn't been able to know what was turning inside Graham's head in recent days, something he prided himself for being able to do. 

After a few tries, he was finally able to unlock the door with his set of keys. He was greeted by a pitch black living room, the only noise in the apartment came from him kicking off the snow that had found itself in the creases of the underside of his sneakers. As silent as he could, Damon made his way down the hall to the bedroom. He found Graham laying on his stomach with his eyes closed and half of his face smushed against the pillow. His legs were stretched out on the mattress, making Damon crack a smile. He always hogged the bed.

He managed to slide himself next to Graham, laying on his side. He watched him for a moment, his shoulders moving rhythmically with every breath and a slight snore escaping his lips. His torso was bare, Damon could see the slight chest hairs that peaked from the comforter. Damon went to press his thumb against Graham's slightly parted lips but stopped himself before he made contact. His hand stayed there motionless between the two of them, he wasn't sure what was appropriate and what wasn't anymore. He wanted to engulf himself in Graham's warmth and tangle himself up until he didn't know which limb was his. He wanted to press his mouth to his until he couldn't breathe and his lips were numb. He wanted to tell Graham that he'd love him forever.

Against his better judgment, Damon placed his hand on Graham's bicep and began to rub circles against his skin. Graham stirred at the contact, the skin between brows scrunching together. His eyes opened slowly as they adjusted to the darkness and as he noticed someone was laying in the bed next to him his body slightly jumped under Damon's touch. 

"Damon?"

Damon's voice was slightly rough. "Go back to sleep."

Graham obliged, but not before inching closer to him. Damon closed his eyes, his hand not stopping the steady circles tracing Graham's skin until his mind shut itself off.

 

He woke up to an empty bed the next morning but could hear footsteps coming from outside the room. After taking a minute to wake himself up and compose himself he got out of bed and followed the sound. Graham was in the kitchen, Damon caught him right as he was pouring himself a cup of well-needed tea.

They were both silent. Damon found it hard to find the right words to say and he imagined Graham thought the same. He hadn't seen Graham since last week, let alone share a bed with him. 

"Morning." Graham spoke.

Damon said the same back, giving him a smile. Graham smiled at him too, but his eyes were filled with sorrow.

"You ok?" He asked.

"M'fine. Just wasn't expecting to wake up to you like that." 

Damon looked down to his feet, anxiously clenching and unclenching his toes. "Me neither." He said quietly.

There was a pause. "Tea?" Graham offered.

He nodded, making his way towards the cabinet where they kept their mugs. Graham poured him a glass. 

"Actually came to talk to you." Damon told him after taking a sip.

"I know." Graham grip was tight around his cup, his knuckles were turning white. He walked past Damon to the living room, casually sitting down in the middle of the couch.

Damon followed him, taking a seat in the armchair adjacent from him. His posture was hunched as he held his mug in both hands, looking back and forth from Graham to the brown liquid that slowly filled his stomach.

They were silent for a moment, Damon couldn't find the words he was looking for. Everything he thought of saying was so harsh, he didn't like how real everything was.

"I've been..."

"I know." Graham didn't have any expression on his face, but again Damon could see the pain in his eyes. He had a feeling that Graham had known all along, he was disappointed that he was correct.

"You do?"

"Do you take me for an idiot Damon?" There was anger in Graham's voice now.

"No, I—"

"I can't remember the last time we shared a bed together besides last night. But it wasn't even that, the only time you want to talk to me is when you have something to share about the band. As if you had someone else—" His voice cracked.

"Graham.." Damon was staring at Graham now, watching as his composure deteriorated.  

"I've been waiting for you. All this time I just wanted you to come out with it and yet you kept it to yourself, and let me ache by myself." Graham's face was twisted in a fashion that told Damon he was on the brink of tears, his body slightly shaking.

"I tried so many times, Graham. I just never knew how, it was never the right time. I wanted to tell you so badly I knew it wasn't right to keep you in the dark." Damon dropped his head.

"What changed your mind?"

Damon bit his lip. Suzi had told him about two weeks ago, and it hadn't been off his mind since. It was the final push in telling Graham the truth, and he hated how extreme everything had turned out to be. He'd be a fool if he didn't believe in karma.

"Suzi is pregnant."

Damon looked back up to Graham then, catching the wide look in his eyes. His pained expression had turned into shock, contorting into anger in a split second. Graham's hands balled into fists, slightly clenching. He got up from where he was sitting to close the distance between Damon and himself, kneeling in between Damon's lap with his fists making contact with Damon's chest. He repeated the motion rapidly, Damon taking every hit until Graham's strength left him, his head resting against Damon's collarbone, tears staining his shirt. 

Graham stayed there for a moment, deep breathes making his chests rise.

"I think you should go."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate all the love I've been getting with this fic, it means the world to me! With only a few chapters left I've started a new one, 'Miracle Aligner' I hope you check it out!


	12. 2002

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you guys may know (hopefully) I've tried to make this fic as accurate as possible with dates and events. Relationship wise, the veracity will become a little choppy to fit with the story, as you might have guessed already with the absence of Justine. Happy reading!

_Electric shocks?_  
_I love them!_  
_With you, dozen a day_  
_But after a while_ _I wonder_  
_Where's that love you promised me?_  
_Where is it?_

 

Graham's hand tenderly touched the pegs of his guitar as he tuned, his head almost resting against the body as he listened. His mind was blank as he focused on the hum of the strings as he softly plucked them with the tip of his index finger. His legs were crossed with the instrument resting on his thigh, and for a moment he was in a completely different world.

He jumped when he heard the door of the live room slam behind him, turning around to see who the intruder was. He was met with familiar blue eyes and long lashes that stared right back at him. 

Damon gave him a slight nod but walked right past him. Graham continued what he was doing with ease, but watched Damon with his back turned to him as he settled in. His body was sluggish, his torso slightly hunched forward as he looked over some papers. As Graham finished up Damon picked a sheet out of the stack and returned his attention back to the other boys.

"Battery in Your Leg" Damon uttered, Alex and Dave getting into position.

Graham could feel the headache he was about to experience coming as he finally took his eyes off Damon. He begrudgingly followed Damon's order and placed his hand on the right frets. 

It was like talking to a wall, Damon had obtained this god complex, dictating what goes on in the band since starting the new album. Graham had taken note of this, and promptly yelled at him about it as Alex and Dave watched.

They had fought about it at their last recording session with accusation and denial thrown around like they were nothing. Graham had hoped some of it would get past Damon's thick skull and was more disappointed in himself in believing so.

Taking a moment to get comfortable Damon took a seat in front of the piano that was next to Graham. With a flick of his wrists the others began to play with him, the melody filling the room. 

The chords were simple and by the first minute mark Graham was bored. Damon had been on an electronic kick ever since he started his other band with Jamie Hewlett, which was just another punch in the gut.

He was bitter, he'll admit that. Not towards anyone of course, but towards himself. He had spent nights lying awake as thoughts of Damon bombarded his head, unable to shake them as Damon lived freely living prosperously with his new so called family. Something he wouldn't admit was that he was a jealous fool, wishing that he was the one who was still able to sleep next to Damon at night.

Graham wasn't completely left empty handed. He had a daughter shortly after Damon did after a night of heavy drinking and woefulness with a more than decent woman. It was if he hadn't had her at all though, custody rights became complected as he dedicated his life towards his bottle more than his kin. 

He was a recovering alcoholic, minus the recovering. He had quite a few years back, successfully staying sober for a few months back at the turn of the century. He partly blamed Damon for the relapse when he knows he shouldn't.

Strumming aimlessly Graham played his short solo while he felt eyes on him. He looked to where Damon was sitting and wasn't surprised when he found him staring back. He didn't falter, playing his last notes with aggression.

" _This is a ballad for the good times, and all the dignity we had. Don't get het up on the evil things. You ain't coming back. You can be with me, if you want to be you can be with me._ "

Damon's eyes pierced into Graham's as he sang, his expression inviting with sadness clouding over it. While registering the lyrics Graham's hand slipped, an out of tune note echoing through the studio. 

A rush of memories from the past flooded Graham's mind before he could stop it. They were short— flashes of skin, a smile, tear stained sheets.

He took a deep breath, placing his guitar on the floor in front of him. He swiftly bolted to the door, his breathing increasing rapidly. He heard a shout of his name but it was muddled with fuzziness and a ring in his ear that was growing louder.

He reached the front door of the studio with a gust of fresh air greeting him outside. He faced the bright sun with closed eyes, soaking in the warmth even if it was just for a second, taking in another deep breath with a shaky throat.

It had been three years. Longer if he wanted to count the absence. A single verse made him break after all the time he's tried to suppress the pain he's endured, it felt like he had failed. 

He had always had a soft spot for Damon during the times he didn't deserve it at all. He's fought it but had never been able to win. He didn't think he would have to experience this conflict within himself since the last night they shared together. He needed to remind himself to never be naive like that.

"Graham." 

He turned his head to the call, resentfully opening his eyes to the person he needed to see last. 

"Yes?" Graham's voice was filled with acid.

"What the fuck has been going on with you?" Damon's voice was aggravated but his face showed concerned.

It took Graham a second to respond. It was a building tension that had set Graham off; not just one thing.

It started with the way Damon looked. He had bags under his eyes and his hair was always a mess, but always looked hopeful. He was a pain in the ass, but still had the motivation to be the leader that they needed. It was the jealousy and rage Graham experienced at night when deep down he knew he shouldn't have at all. When Graham looked at his life, he wanted it to be more like Damon's, at least how it looked on the outside.

He felt like he got the butt end of it, he was the one who was left with nothing when Damon was able to go off and do amazing things with people who loved and adored him while Graham was alone left to brood. He hadn't done anything wrong.

It never occurred to him that maybe it was him that was causing the harmful inflections onto his life, never once had he blamed it on himself rather than others.

"Are those lyrics about me?" Graham staggered back so his back was pressed against the brick wall behind him. 

Damon deliberated his answer before he told Graham. He watched as his emotions radiated off of his face shamelessly.

"It's about a lot of things." He finally said.

"D.." Graham scoffed. He could still see right through Damon as if nothing had changed. In reality neither of them had changed, just the circumstances. It was prevalent now. 

"I think about you constantly." Damon blurted out, clearly not intending to say those words. He looked like he wanted to give himself a scolding.

"You can't be saying those sort of things." Graham's voice was soft.

"Are you ok?" Damon's concerned look was back as he walked closer to Graham. Graham shifted away from his touch.

"No." A small laugh escaped Graham's lips. He wasn't, not in any sense. He didn't want to be here, he didn't want to be anywhere.

"Graham.."

"I'm going to go, yeah?" Without giving Damon a chance to reply Graham turned his back and started walking in the opposite direction of him, in the path of the light again.

He heard him call out his name once again, but paid no attention to it. 

 

 


	13. 2004

_You've got rain in your eyes_  
_And a head full of stars_  
_All the tears you can hold in your hand_  
_And a room full of sleep_  
_And a promise to keep_

 

He was thinking of him as his callous fingers moving swiftly against the frets of the guitar. He was thinking of him when he closed his eyes to shout out the broken lyrics. He was thinking of him when he got on his knees to perform his solo, his body vibrating at every beat.

He was thinking of him when he was with his crew members at lunch the following day. He was thinking of him when he was alone at night and no one was around. He was thinking about him when he was needed to contemplate about other things that were more important than the both of them.

He wanted to stop, he told himself to stop, he couldn't stop.


	14. 2005

_Where were you when I fell from grace_  
_Frozen heart, an empty space_  
_Something's changing, it's in your eyes_  
_Please don't speak, you'll only lie_  
_I found treasure not where I thought_  
_Peace of mind can't be bought_  
_Still I believe_

 

Missy fell asleep in his arms, something that had become a routine and definitely was intentional. Damon carried her up to her room, tucking her in with a kiss on the forehead. He could have sworn he saw a smile illuminate in the darkness.

He often wondered how his life would have been different with him, if it would be better or worse. He hoped that it would be the same.

Still, he found himself wishing someone else was waiting for him to crawl into bed and to wrap their hands around him.

Was he a terrible person?

 


	15. 2006

_I saw you today, you were too far away_  
_It'd hurt me to say, hurt me to say, the words, the words I have to say_  
_There ain't no sound when you're not around_  
_And it gets me down, yeah it gets me down, my life feels so brown_  


He could never mistake those eyes for anyone else. They shined when the moving lights flashed against the crowd. 

Graham focused on his playing, and his lyrics, there wasn't any more room to be thinking about something else. _Someone._

Yet his fixation never left besides for the moments he would hunch over his guitar in a dramatic manner. He wanted to play his heart out.

He wasn't up close, he could barely see him in the sea of people but he was close enough to know he was staring right back at him.

As the set ended Graham saw the same eyes light up, a smile beaming for him.

He smiled back.


	16. 2007

_Oh I was born to live without you_  
_But I’m never gonna understand, never understand_  
_Hold me in your everlasting arms_  
_Looked up full of fear, trapped beneath a chandelier_  
_That’s going down_

 

The sun was unusually bright that day, Graham kept finding himself squinting whenever he looked the wrong direction. The wind still blew and it had to be below fifty degrees, He only had worn out navy Harrington jacket as he walked towards the secluded cafe Alex had picked out for the four of them to meet.

His stomach hurt, it was so knotted up that he felt like he was about to choke, still persisting to the destination.

The only person he had contact with over the five years was Alex. He had proposed this concept in the spring, becoming the correspondent between the boys. With heavy planning with a few rain checks, they had all decided on today.

Graham was hesitant and somewhat still was. He had missed his friends, it was troublesome not to talk to people you've known for more than half your life. He feared this was the only thing he yearned for, that being in a band was too much for him and all of the anxiety and doubt would come back. 

He was afraid to see Damon. He didn't know how he'd reacted, he didn't know how Damon would react. They were the reason the band broke up, we were only meeting because of them. It was their faults.

He wanted it to be like how it was when they first started;  happy in the company of one another and a type of happiness that they got out of what they were working on.

The sun warmed his face as he walked up the deserted street and found three awkward looking guys standing in front of a worn down building. 

Dave was the first to greet Graham, shouting out his name joyously while wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. Alex greeted him, giving him a warm tap on the back after the embrace he was just given. Damon gave him a nod, he gave one back.

They settled on a corner spot in the cozy cafe that looked abandoned besides the two women behind the counter.  They were out in the country somewhere near Alex's, the morning rush probably being the only business the store encountered. It was a small place, no more than forty people could be comfortably inside.

It was all small talk; How are the kids? Hows the health? Projects? Yes, the weather has been shit. 

They all actively avoided any mention of the future, but they found themselves talking about the past. Funny stories they all almost forgot about, or things they can't seem to forget. 

Graham participated when he could, but it was primarily Dave and Alex talking — a first. Damon was particularly quiet, for himself. Graham caught him more than once looking over the table to him, always turning back to the others whenever he got caught.

Near the end though, the final time Graham had looked over to Damon and found him already looking at him, Damon didn't shy away from his eyes, staring back at him with a million emotions written on his face.

They weren't there long, but enough for them to reintroduce themselves to one another. They planned to get together again very soon, they still had a lot to discuss. They left casually, knowing their departure was only temporary. 

Walking the same way he came from Graham was met with a cloudy sky, the sun hiding from him. He had almost made it to the end of the block when he heard someone shout his name, making him turn behind him. Damon nearly ran into him trying to catch up, making Graham almost topple over. Damon caught him by grabbing ahold of one of his wrists and his shoulder blade, letting him regain his balance. 

Damon held his grip for a beat too long, letting go slowly and placed his hands in his pockets. "Hi."

Graham was able to get a good look at him then, in his casual attire. He had aged since the last time he had seen him, a few fine lines here and there. His hair was short, which Graham didn't care for. But he had the same eyes; eyes Graham still dreamed about. 

"Hey." Graham said back.

"How've you've been?" Damon's voice was low and playful.

"Fine. You?"

"Yeah, I'm good." 

They stood there in silence, looking at one another. Graham didn't know what to say, he hadn't prepared for this. He was honestly hoping to ignore him, at least for today."

"It was great seeing you." Damon said with complete genuine. Graham looked down at his feet, afraid Damon would see his face heat up.

"You too."

"I think we need to talk, just me and you." 

Graham looked back up at him, surprised by his forwardness. He agreed with him though, nodding his head. "Right now?"

Damon let out a small laugh. "Doesn't have to be now, just soon."

"I'll have to check, but see you around?" Graham asked him.

"Yeah. I'll see you." Damon parted ways with Graham, flashing a smile as he walked in the opposite direction.

 

* * *

 

 

The boys met up frequently after their first encounter, slowly getting to the point where they were able to start to talk about their future together as a band and how they would act upon it. Nothing was forced, they did everything on their own terms.

It was always the four of them. They would get dinner together, go back to Essex together, occasionally break out in song, singing one of their old hits together.

They talk about returning to the stage, but all agree that it'll take time to reach that. It's been so long that they need to rediscover their friendship in a different light than they had years before.

Graham and Damon put their all into these encounters but never seemed to find the right moment to break from their bandmates and hash out their years long debacle. 

They caught themselves almost reaching to the point of confessing to one another, all of the heartbreak and loneliness they've experienced from the absence of one another; but always hesitated. Moments where they were alone, but the air around them still feeling hostile.

It sucked, Graham wanted nothing but to scream at the top of his lungs to tell Damon how much he hurt him; and how much he missed him.

Pressing his body to his oversized comforter he would dream of Damon at night, wishing he was by his side instead of the fluffed fabric. Instead he would wake up alone, wishing he could tell him good morning.

And he hated how he wanted this so bad, because there was still hatred in his heart. For years Damon had made him feel as though he wasn't good enough for anyone else because how could someone else love him if Damon didn't?

Graham wished he could get over him, but every time Damon glanced over to him when the other boys weren't looking he melted. 

It was more of the same with Damon, he was too anxious to let Graham know about all of his thoughts that he had about him throughout the years they had been apart. It didn't matter what he was doing or who he was with, he always longed for him to be by his side.

That was why after a day in the studio, the four of them trying out different sounds and getting used to one another again with instruments strapped to their bodies that Damon proposed that he and Graham grabbed dinner afterward.

Graham accepted but with hesitation. He was afraid of the unexpected.

Alex and Dave said their goodbyes as he was putting away his guitar into the case, the click of the locked echoed through the room after the door shut behind them.

With a flick of his wrist, Graham ran a hand through his sweat stained hair as he stood up from his knees, moving his body so it was facing Damon.

"What are you hungry for?"

Damon's back was towards him but turned his head to answer Graham's question. "Pizza."

Graham nodded his head, following Damon out of the studio, an overcast sky meeting them outside.

They decided on a pizzeria that was a few blocks away that Graham had been to before. Their walk over was tense at first, neither of them exchanging words until Damon asked Graham about what he's been doing since he last saw him.

"Oh uh..music." 

Damon broke out in a smile. "Well I know that, I'm not a complete shut in ya'know! Tell me about it."

Graham was having trouble answering his question. "What do you want to know?"

Damon tucked his hands into his pant pockets. "Anything. Everything."

Graham's eyes were on Damon as he almost whispered the words with his face forward. He turned as the stopped in front of the restaurant. 

"You never made that jazz album."

The rest of their night was just as warm-hearted as they shared a pepperoni pizza talking about the years they spent apart. Graham started by telling Damon how it wasn't until recently that he realized he actually has something going for him and how he actually hated going on tour if he didn't have Alex with him so they could bicker. Damon told Graham plans Jamie and him had for Gorillaz and what working with Paul Simonon was like. Graham tried to one up him, telling him how cool Paul Weller was.

They finished their meal with Graham almost choking on his water as Damon described an elaborate prank Jamie had done to one of the band members on tour that ended with Damon completely soaked with beer.

With the night fairly young the duo decided on coffee at Damon's so they could finish their conversation. Their car ride over was much more lively than their initial walk.

As they made their way inside Damon made a beeline to the kitchen as Graham took more of his time, taking in Damon's new space (to him).

It was fairly neat, something that was a rarity five years ago. It still had the familiar aura Damon brought off, with memorabilia hanging on walls and pictures placed strategically on counters and coffee tables. 

He found Damon rummaging through the fridge, grabbing two beer bottles. "Want one?"

"I thought we said coffee." 

Damon was about to say something smart but then had a sudden realization written on his face. "Shit, I'm sorry. I completely forgot." 

He looked genuinely concerned, but Graham reassured him. "Please don't worry about it. I have this thing called self control now. Still pretty new to me, though" He trailed off.

Damon was quiet for a moment as he shook off his guilt. "I've been sober for a while now too. Not booze, y'know,"

"I know." Graham did, he could see how Damon's eyes shined a bit brighter now.

"What helped you?" Damon asked, leaning against the kitchen counter as he twisted off the cap on the beer and placed the spare behind him.

Graham took a deep breath before answering. "Time, I suppose. Weed helps too." He told him with a laugh.

Damon got an excited look on his face before running up the stairs without telling Graham where he was going. He came back moments later with a jar in his hands.

It made Graham let out another laugh as he saw what was in it. Damon had his own collection of the drug along with it's needed paraphernalia. Without hesitation, Damon unscrewed the glass and began to roll a joint for the two of them.

Graham watched his hands as they worked, aged by the time they spent apart. His eyes scanned the length of his torso until they settled on the tattoo that was peaking out under Damon's short sleeve shirt. 

He didn't know how he felt about standing in Damon's kitchen with the man himself preparing the two of them to get high, but he stopped himself from asking too many questions. He was enjoying himself tonight, and he told himself that was all that mattered.

"Do you remember the tattoos we got?"

Damon quickly slid the white paper against his tongue before answering. "Barely."

Graham had a boyish grin on his face. "I know, I had to carry you home." 

They had drunkenly gotten tattoos together years ago that were far from matching. It was early somewhere in a city he couldn't remember the name of and neither of them had slept. He didn't know if it was the alcohol in his system or the way Damon held his hand that night but one thing he did remember was how desperately in love he was. 

"Wanna split this?" Damon asked, bringing Graham back into the moment. Graham nodded back and followed Damon to the back of his house and the deck that greeted them.

Damon lit the joint with ease, giving it a moment to burn. He passed it off to Graham once hitting it, feeling the familiar numbness that followed. They sat at Damon's kitchen table at arms length to one another.

He was surprised he had made it this far without bursting. He knew how Graham was, and it seemed like he was the same Graham Damon knew. There were elements that Damon had found that were new to him though; he was stronger, more outspoken. Yet he still had the same coyness he's always had, still tender.

He wanted to yell at him about how much he missed him and how happy he was that Graham was standing beside him and all the times he tried to talk to him during practice but could never find the right words to say and how he was thinking about how Graham's lips had touched the cigarette Damon was about to place on his.

They passed the joint back and forth casually as they continued to talk about stories from their past, both of them getting moderately high. Damon only smoked occasionally, whenever he couldn't sleep or if he was in the studio. He had the nicest feeling in his stomach as he looked over to Graham, knowing he was the cause for it.

"Are you seeing anyone?" Graham's voice echoed through his head. Damon shook his head. "Not at the moment, no." He noticed that even though Graham had the confidence of asking the question, his body seemed to tense up and fold into itself as he crossed his arms and legs. 

"What about you?" Damon asked softly.

Graham's face scrunched up as it always did when he was trying to be nonchalant. "Haven't had anything serious for a while."

Damon searched for Graham's eyes, who were kept hidden under long lashes and dark-rimmed glasses. They were silent for a beat too long and the only movement seemed to come from the smoke that danced between them in the air.

Damon took the last pull of the joint, crushing it in the ashtray as he exhaled. He gave his beer one final sip before getting up from his place and placed the bottle in the sink. He heard Graham get up behind him before turning the kitchen sink on to washed the excess out.

"It's getting pretty late. I think—" Damon felt a hand on his shoulder, making him turn towards the touch. Graham was next to him, he couldn't hear his footsteps over the running water. 

Graham's voice was small, almost fragile. "I need to tell you something first. I've been meaning to tell you this for a while now but never knew how to put it. I still don't think I do. I just don't know how to stop thinking about you. And frankly, being around you isn't helping.

Damon had gripped Graham's free hand in the middle of his confession and he wasn't sure if it was for his own support or compassion for his friend. He couldn't remember to form a sentence at that moment, even though he had fantasized scenarios like this one. Slowly, he reached down and entwined their hands together, Damon's fingers locking with Graham's. 

"I've missed you." Damon managed to get out. Graham moved his hand towards the bottom of Damon's neck, his fingers running through the short hair that laid there. Damon shorted the distanced between the two with a kiss, short and timid. He finally found Graham's eyes, which were suddenly dark and with a finger traced along Graham's lips before kissing him again, longer and deeper as he parted his lips and savored in the taste he had almost forgotten about. Graham pulled at Damon's hair until he suddenly pulled back completely, his cheeks rosy and breathing rapidly. 

"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you." Graham muttered with his eyes to the floor.

Damon tried his luck and reached out to hold one of his hands and was surprised when Graham entwined their fingers together. He was confused by his words as they contradicted his actions. He couldn't stop thinking about Graham either, and he was holding himself back not to jump him. Graham was suddenly timid and distant.

"And I also don't want to...mess things up again." He lifted up his head this time as he spoke.

"What?"

Graham loosened up a bit, he gave Damon a look. "You know exactly what I mean, You know how I get and I know how you get. It sometimes isn't the best mixture." 

Damon rolled his eyes, smiling at Graham as he tugged him in by the waist and left his arm there. "And most of the time it _is_ the best mixture." He said, placing a kiss on Graham's cheek this time. Graham was flustered at this point, embracing Damon with a laugh. "You're a doofus."

They stayed like that for a while until Damon offered Graham to stay the night as it was late, and Graham agreed with a yawn, the mere thought of a bed.

Huddled under the covers the two of them wrapped their arms around one another in a similar fashion. They didn't say much, sleep hitting both of them once their heads hit their respective pillow. Graham could feel Damon's breath, the rhythm just about bringing him to asleep until he heard a whisper

"I can finally sleep peacefully."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for waiting so patiently for this! With school finally over I'll have enough time to finish this! Only a couple more chapters to go, I am so grateful for all of the love you guys have shown me as I wrote this, thank you!


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